


Gerard Donkey Boy (Frerard)

by asotmGee



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, The Used
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Asperger Syndrome, Autism, Cerebral Palsy, Drug Abuse, Masturbation, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Multi, Murder, Schizophrenia, Sibling Incest, Smut, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-09-28 08:36:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20423057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asotmGee/pseuds/asotmGee
Summary: Gerard Way is a paranoid schizophrenic that is not in touch with reality at all. He can barely speak comprehensive sentences, and lives in his own psychosis-induced world. He lives with his maladjusted family in the slums of Newark, New Jersey. Gerard's family can only be described as a dysfunctional version of the Brady Bunch. Gerard's younger sister, Lindsey, is pregnant with Gerard's baby. Gerard's younger brother, Mikey, is an eccentric athlete with self-esteem issues. As for his father Donald, he is a mentally unstable alcoholic that always takes his inner rage and torment out on his own children, and has been doing this since his wife died after giving birth to Mikey. One day, a new family, called the Ieros, move in across the street from Gerard's home. He meets Frank, who suffers from cerebral palsy, but has a kind heart, despite his impediment. Soon enough, Gerard and Frank grow a special bond with each other. Meanwhile, Gerard is struggling with his inner demons that could very well lead to his eternal downfall.





	1. Prologue: How Soon Is Now?

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: I just wanna say that this fic is loosely inspired by a movie that many of you may not know. It's called Julien Donkey Boy, and it's about a schizophrenic that lives with his family that's just as messed up as he is. I thought it would be a good idea to write a fic with a similar storyline. However, this fic does have content that some readers may find upsetting. These things include depictions of severe mental illness, incest, domestic abuse, alcoholism, depictions of physical and mild cognitive disability, extreme violence, graphic depictions of sex, non-consensual sexual acts/rape via sexual manipulation of a mentally vulnerable person, drug abuse, murder, suicide, and major character death. If any of the things I just listed are deemed as too disturbing for you, I strongly encourage that you DO NOT read this fic. However, if none of the things I listed are triggering for you, then proceed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you decided you're gonna read this fic, then I wanna make a suggestion. Look up the band Death Spells on YouTube and listen to their album Nothing Above, Nothing Below. It honestly blends well with the fic, knowing what it's about, and it really sets the mood. If you don't know who Death Spells are, they're one of Frank's side projects, and they are so underrated and deserve more recognition. Anyway, on with the prologue...

Gerard Way walked aimlessly through the forest not far from his home in Newark, New Jersey. He figured it would be good to get out and get some exercise since the weather was fairly decent for a day in late winter. However, getting outside for some fresh air wasn’t the only reason why he left the house. He also decided to leave the house because whenever he’s at home, he hears the voices that constantly talk to him and to each other, and they were getting on his nerves. The voices still talk to him when he’s away from home, but they’re not as bad. The voices usually made no sense when speaking to Gerard, much like the way he actually talks to himself and to other people. Whenever Gerard would try to talk to someone besides his family, most people would walk away and label him as insane. Gerard didn’t understand why this was so.

It was getting late, and Gerard knew he had to get back home soon, or else his father will give him an earful. Gerard had a curfew. He had to be home by seven whenever he went out. As Gerard started to make his way home, he suddenly noticed someone familiar nearby. It was Devin, a young boy that Gerard somewhat knew well. He lived a couple blocks down from Gerard’s home in the suburb he and his family lived in. Whenever Gerard went out, he’d occasionally see Devin riding his bike around the block. There was quite an age gap between Gerard and Devin; Gerard was twenty-seven, while Devin was only twelve. Devin also one time attended Gerard’s birthday party last year, and was one of the only people that went to it since Gerard didn’t know many people outside of his family. The only reason why Devin attended the party was because he felt bad for Gerard, and also didn’t wanna miss out on free cake and ice cream. When Gerard walked closer to Devin to say hello, he suddenly noticed him standing over a small puddle of mud.  


“Hey Devin, whatcha doing?” Gerard asked.  


“I found some turtles,” Devin replied, holding one of the found creatures in his hands. Gerard looked down as he ran a hand through his long greasy black hair. He found four turtles in the mud puddle. Gerard always had an affinity for animals, especially reptiles. When he was a young kid, his dad would always take him and his siblings, Mikey and Lindsey, to the local zoo. Gerard’s favorite exhibit by far was the house that contained a bunch of them in various tanks containing creatures such as turtles, snakes, and lizards. He wanted to see if he could keep one of the turtles in the mud, though he’d have to invest into a tank for one, as well as food and other necessities for it.  


“Oh...oh, man. There are turtles, four turtles. One, two, three, four. There are turtles, four turtles,” Gerard rambled. “Can I have one?”  
“Sure, you can,” Devin said. Gerard bent down and picked one up, which was the largest out of them all. He held it up close to his face and began to laugh in an unsettling way that somewhat sent chills down Devin’s spine. Devin knew that Gerard wasn’t mentally well, but as previously said, he felt bad for him. As far as he knew, Gerard was harmless. Despite being a child that’s bordering on adolescent age, he took Gerard under his wing, who is a man much older than him.  


“Hey, one! There’s four turtles, and I have one!” Gerard said happily as he continued to giggle. He suddenly had an idea, and that was to get another turtle for his dad. He figured he’d like it since it’ll make him reminisce of the times he took Gerard, as well as his brother and sister, to the zoo. “I need another turtle. I want turtle for daddy,”  
“No, you can’t have it,” Devin said. He said this because he knew taking care of two turtles would be too much for Gerard to take care of, knowing all that’s wrong with him. With the tip of a hat, Gerard grew infuriated. He really wanted a second turtle, and he hated being told no. He wanted to force a yes out of Devin. Dropping the turtle in his hands, he darted over to Devin and shoved him up against a tree nearby. He heard a loud thud as he pushed Devin, followed by a sudden crack. In his grasp, Devin’s body grew limp, and he collapsed to the ground. At that moment, Gerard realized what he just did, and he felt incredibly at fault for it. He bent down over Devin’s body that’s most likely now dead, or bordering on death, genuine lament in Gerard’s hazel eyes.  


“Oh my God...see, now you’re…,” Gerard stuttered, his voice filled to the brim with utter anxiety as a string of snot ran from his nose, dangling in the air. “He’s now leaving Earth...as he lies...n great weakness. May he be blessed...with everlasting life. In the name...your son...have mercy on us!”  
Gerard knew what he had to do. He had to hide Devin’s body. The last thing he wanted was to get caught. He feared that he would be hurt in some way by the police. Gerard always felt very paranoid around cops, especially after what happened to him when he was nineteen. During a psychotic rage, he chased his brother Mikey around the house with a knife after he told him that the voices Gerard heard weren’t real, and Donald, their father, had no choice but to call 911 and have Gerard sent to a psychiatric hospital. When the police arrived, Gerard ran at them with the knife, and was tackled violently to the ground and tazed. Gerard never felt so much pain in his life, and the memory of being attacked like that left him forever scarred. As Gerard began to scoop up piles of dirt and dead leaves over Devin’s body, he realized that he had to ask for forgiveness from God. Gerard’s greatest fear was going to hell after death, as he grew up in a religious household. He saw Jesus Christ as his savior that died on the cross for all his sins, and now, he had to plead to God to not be indicted for what he had done.  


“Lamb of God, he take away our sins! Have mercy on us! Lamb of God, he take away our sins! Lamb of God, he take away our sins! Have mercy on us!” Gerard yelled hysterically as he buried the body.


	2. Chapter 1: A Silver Plated Numbing Gum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the first official chapter of Gerard Donkey Boy. I really have a good feeling about working on this fic since I know quite a lot about schizophrenia. I hope you're all enjoying it so far! I'd love to chat with you all when you leave comments! By the way, I also made an official trailer for this fic, on top of the teaser trailer. Check it out if you please to do so! :)

At around eight, Gerard woke up and ate breakfast, which consisted of french toast, bacon, and coffee, the latter being his poison of choice, as well as cigarettes. He was happy that he could eat a filling breakfast and not just eat something that goes through his stomach fast such as Pop Tarts or a bowl of sugary cereal. Lindsey is the one that cooked breakfast for the family, and he made sure to thank her and give her a kiss. Gerard and Lindsey have been dating since Lindsey turned eighteen, and now she’s twenty-two. She is currently pregnant with her first baby, and the person that impregnated her was Gerard. They weren’t expecting to have a child; Gerard just didn’t pull out in time. Ever since Lindsey was a teenager, she was infatuated with her eldest brother, and wanted to make him all her’s. Gerard reluctantly took the offer when she asked him to be her boyfriend, but as time went by, he grew an intimate affinity for her. As their relationship blossomed, they started having sex on a regular basis, performing acts that involved vaginal, anal, and oral sex. Their younger brother, Mikey, frequently complained about them having sex since it was so loud all the time, and Mikey’s room was only one door next to Gerard’s room, where they usually fucked. He also found it messed up that Gerard and Lindsey have an incestuous relationship, let alone one where a baby is on the way in about three months. While Mikey and Lindsey frequently argued about Lindsey’s relationship with Gerard, Gerard didn’t mind Mikey seeing their love for each other in a bad light. He just never really understood why he had a problem with it.

As Gerard finished up washing and putting away the dishes, Lindsey walked up to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek, which became stained by Lindsey’s red lipstick. Gerard looked over at her and smiled, kissing her on the lips again.

“Did you take your medication, Gerard?” Lindsey asked. She knew all too well that Gerard needed mental help, which was why she always encouraged Gerard to take his pills and attend his appointments with his psychiatrist. Gerard didn’t understand why he needed to do these things. As far as he knew, he was sound-minded like everyone else. The only reason why he took his pills and went to his appointments was because he wanted to make Lindsey happy. Before Gerard and Lindsey started dating, Gerard was very stubborn about his treatment for his mental illness that he didn’t believe he had. He hated how the medications made him feel, and he believed his appointments were a waste of his time. He frequently skipped doses of his meds since he didn’t like the side effects they gave him, and as a result, he was psychiatrically hospitalized numerous times. But he had to obey Lindsey’s wishes, because he genuinely loved her.

“I will, I will,” Gerard mumbled as he put away the last of the dishes in the sink. He was itching for a cigarette, feeling a headache coming on as a result of going long enough without one. He looked up at a painting that hung on one of the walls on the kitchen, which displayed a bowl of fruit. He liked how it looked since he greatly appreciates art. Gerard is an artist himself, and spent a lot of his free time painting and drawing. He’s even managed to sell some of his work for a decent amount of money since he was so good with art. The way he got good with art was that his grandma taught him when he was a child, and over the years, he grew as an artist. “Look at that painting. I can guarantee you that it’s upset,” he said to Lindsey, who furrowed her brow in confusion. She was used to Gerard’s disorganized speech and always tried her best to communicate with her brother effectively despite this. The best she could do was try to comprehend what Gerard was trying to say. She pretty much went along with Gerard’s word salads.

“How can it look upset? It’s a bowl of fruit. Fruit don’t have feelings, Gerard,” Lindsey said to Gerard.

“I know, I know, I know,” Gerard spoke quickly. “In Los Angeles, there are three kings and queens. One of the queens left her husband because his dick was this big,” Gerard continued, holding up his arms widely to depict the size of this made up king.

“Oh, really? I didn’t know that,” Lindsey laughed. She had to admit that some of the things Gerard said were pretty funny. “Well, now that you’re done with the dishes, you should take your meds now so you don’t feel off later,”

“Okay. Okay, okay, okay,” Gerard spoke in a fast way again. He left the kitchen and made his way upstairs to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and taking out the bottles containing his prescription medication. He first opened the bottle of his Lithium, which is his mood stabilizer. He two pills out, then closed the cap and opened up the second bottle containing his Clozapine, which is an antipsychotic that’s usually prescribed to people with the worst cases of schizophrenia. He grabbed a Dixie cup and filled it with some water from the sink, then popped the pills in his mouth, swallowing them with the water. He knew that he’d be feeling very nauseous and zombie-like sooner or later, but he had to take his pills for Lindsey. He figured he could now take a bath since it’s been over a week since he last took one. He went into his room and grabbed a black t-shirt and blue jeans, as well as some underwear and a pair of mismatched socks. He then went to the bathroom and set the clothes down, then started up the tub. As he waited for it to fill up, he began to walk around aimlessly within the fairly spacious bathroom as he mumbled complete nonsense.

“All hail lord king Gerard, all hail lord king Gerard. Lets it blow, lets it blow, lets it blow. The wind is blowing, the wind is blowing,” he rambled as he felt a sudden windchill, despite the window in the bathroom being closed. He knew he had to make sure the water was extra warm so that he can not feel so cold.

“You’re so stupid, Gerard. You are completely, you are utterly, and irrevocably stupid!” one of the voices in Gerard’s head yelled. “You’re no good, Gerard. You’re worthless,”

“Maybe one day you’ll wake up. You are so retarded,” another voice said. “He is so utterly stupid,”

“I agree. He can’t even talk right. He also wets his pants,” the first voice said, responding to the second one. Gerard identified these voices with names. The first voice’s name was Bert, while the other was named Gabe. Bert and Gabe frequently verbally tormented Gerard, and were the worst of the bunch of voices he hears. Some other voices tell Gerard that people are out to get him. These ones were named Haley, Patrick, and Pete. There was another three voices, their names being Brendon, Dallon, and Ryan, that all spoke the rantings of madmen, their sentences making absolutely no sense.

“Well, I’m not even stupid like that. I’m not even stupid like that!” Gerard yelled at Bert and Gabe as he laughed hysterically. He had no reason to laugh, but he did it anyway. Gerard periodically experienced erratic and uncalled for mood swings, ranging from total elation, pure sadness, and extreme anger, which was part of the reason why Gerard had to take mood stabilizing medication.

Once the tub was filled up enough, he shut the water off, undressed, and got intp the tub. He started bathing himself, wetting his hair and scrubbing it with some Head And Shoulders shampoo since he has a lot of dandruff. As he washed his hair, he continued to speak pure madness induced by the delusion that he’s a king, and also caused by the voices in his head. Gerard believed that he’s a high power king of the universe. The way he started thinking this was true when one of his imaginary friends, a non-binary creature named Lola, kept telling him, and soon enough, he succumbed to the delusion. He didn’t know where Lola went; they have been gone for a little while, and he wanted to know where they were, because he genuinely loved talking to them since they’re very friendly to him, unlike the other things he periodically sees.

“All hail lord king Gerard, all hail lord king Gerard,” Gerard said as he rinsed the shampoo out of his hair. “The wind is blowing, the wind is blowing. I gotta get outta here,” he continued, suddenly feeling very paranoid for some unknown reason. He began to think that government spies were looking for him. He also still felt really cold, his body shivering. He quickly scrubbed his body with a bar of soap, then rushed to get out of the tub and drain the soapy water. He then looked out the window, completely naked. He started looking for any spies that could potentially harm him in some way, such as broadcasting his thoughts. Gerard started seeing spies hiding in places such as closets and behind bushes. These hallucinations started when he was first diagnosed with schizophrenia at the young age of twenty. He believes that they’re out to broadcast his thoughts on the television and radio. Lindsey and Mikey have tried really hard to make Gerard stop believing this, but to no avail.

“I want, that’s what I want, that’s what I want!” Gerard sang loudly as he stood at the window completely bare-assed. He found no spies, which was a relief for him. He stopped looking out the window and started to get dressed after he dried himself off, starting with his underwear with dried bloodstains on it from the times Gerard tried ripping off his testicles because he believed that maggots were laying eggs under his skin. He had to be sent to the hospital to get them stitched up, and was later sent to the psych ward due to his mental instability. He then put on his shirt, then his pants, and finally his socks. Once he was dressed, he exited the bathroom and walked downstairs. From the large window in the living room, Gerard noticed a Fed-Ex moving truck near the house across the street that’s been empty for quite a few years. The previous owner, an old woman, had to move out and be put in a nursing home since her physical health and ability to take care of herself rapidly declined over a period of time. He saw a middle-aged couple standing near the front door, watching as the Hispanic truck drivers hauled out furniture and boxes from the vehicle. Gerard also noticed a young man close to Gerard’s age, limping as he walked over to the tire swing tied to a large tree in the front yard. Gerard thought it would be a good idea to introduce himself to the new family. He started to walk out the door, thinking that some of the voices might tell him to not leave the house, but they stayed silent due to his medication that was settling inside Gerard’s body, though he did feel quite groggy and disoriented from them, a string of drool running from his lips. He walked out the front door and walked across the street. When he got close to the house of the new neighbors, the husband and wife turned and looked at him, the both of them smiling.

“Hello, what’s your name?” the wife asked.

“I’m Gerard. Yeah, my name’s Gerard. It’s Gerard,” Gerard responded quickly, so much that the couple could barely hear what he was saying, but they both picked up on his name being Gerard. They knew right off the bat that something wasn’t quite right with him, especially after seeing the drool all over his lips.

“Nice to meet you, Gerard. I’m Linda Iero, and this is my husband, Frank Iero Sr. We also have a son named Frank, who’s on the tire swing. He has cerebral palsy, but he can walk okay, as you might have seen earlier,” Linda said, introducing her husband and son to him.

“You too. All of you. Praise the lord, praise the lord. Thank you for coming. Praise the lord Jesus Christ,” Gerard replied erratically. He walked over to Frank Iero Jr., who was still on the tire swing. Frank looked over at him and smiled widely.

“Are you one of our neighbors?” he asked, a slight slur in his voice.

“Yes, I am. My name’s Gerard. Yes, it’s Gerard. I am Gerard, yes I am,” Gerard rambled again.

“I’m Frank. Nice to meet you,” Frank replied as he got off the tire swing. When he got a look at Gerard, he suddenly felt something strange. He liked how Gerard looked. He looked exactly like Frank’s type; men with long black hair and pale skin, which is similar to what Frank has. Frank’s parents already know that he likes men way more than women. He came out to them when he was a teenager, and both Linda and Frank Sr. were very accepting of it, despite them being religious like Gerard and his family. He knew at this point he wanted to get to know Gerard more, but decided to take things slow since he had bad experiences making moves on his crushes too much and too soon. Gerard’s craving for nicotine suddenly came on stronger, and as a result, he was experiencing a throbbing headache and jitteriness. He had to smoke soon.

“I gotta go, yes. Nice meeting you all. I’ve met you guys. Praise the lord Jesus Christ,” Gerard said.

“Okay. See you around,” Frank said, shaking Gerard’s hand, who shook it quite strongly.

“Bye bye,” Gerard said as he walked away and back inside his house to get his pack of Marlboro reds and lighter. He walked upstairs and grabbed them from his room, then went back outside and lit up. Across the street, Frank looked at Gerard as he smoked out on the front porch of their blue frame house that had seen better days in the past. He knew something wasn’t quite right with Gerard, but what was it, he asked himself. Despite that, he knew he wanted to make Gerard all his, and was willing to help him when they grow closer with each other. He couldn’t help falling in love with him.


	3. Chapter 2: Jesus Resting On My Thumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is a certain part in this chapter that some readers may find unsettling. Let's just say it involves masturbation. Anyway, on with the chapter...

After Gerard smoked his cigarette, he went back inside and immediately laid down on his bed. The side effects of his medications were really starting to kick in, and he felt almost physically drained. He stared up at the cracked ceiling, one of those cracks looking like a bunny. His eyes were constantly forcing Gerard to go to sleep, but he wanted to stay awake and not waste the whole day dozing off. He wanted to work on one of his paintings later on the easel in his room, the canvas showing a picture of a cat with several lines and patterns all around it in various colors. He sat up on his bed, his head hung down as a string of drool ran from his lips, feeling almost completely lifeless.

“I wanna be in the jungle. No more rain. I wanna be in the jungle. No more rain,” Gerard repeated in a mumbled tone. He genuinely wanted to be outside, but right now it was pouring hard out there. He wanted to go into the forest again and walk around to try and find Lola, but he didn’t wanna get drenched. He looked around his small room, examining it’s contents. The walls were riddled with paint stains, punched in holes from Gerard’s fits of rage, and smeared and dried blood. He had many pieces of note paper taped to his walls with very surreal drawings and random sentences that made no sense at all. Above his dresser was a mirror that’s shattered, which was caused by Gerard punching it during the midst of a psychotic episode that sent him to the psych ward. On the floor were several piles of dirty clothes, as well as trash. The room itself had a strong and insulting scent of urine that was caused by Gerard’s occasional urinary incontinence. Whenever Gerard was too far gone from his mind, he couldn’t find the bathroom, and would pee on the floor instead, and sometimes in his own pants.

Suddenly, Gerard heard violin music. It was coming from Lindsey’s room. She must be dancing around like a ballerina, since her dream was to become one, Gerard thought to himself. He wanted to watch her since he loved how she would always dance with such grace. Gerard got out of his room, slightly limping from feeling weak from the medication. He went down a couple steps on the stairs and began to watch Lindsey dance since her room is right across from it, her body wearing a ballerina dress with a tutu as the suave and harmonic violin music played. Gerard suddenly felt his shaft grow hard, blood rushing to his penis. He knew what he had to do. He unzipped his pants, pulling his underwear down a little so that he could grab it. He began to stroke it softly as he stared at Lindsey in awe. As Lindsey twirled around in circles, Gerard beat his meat faster, panting heavily as he felt the rush of sexual ecstasy. He did this for about ten minutes until he started to reach the climax of his masturbation. He arched his head back as he closed his eyes, feeling dazed. He moaned as he ejaculated all over his sweaty hand. He felt sexually satisfied after what he just did. He brought his hand up and licked up his own semen, the taste of the cum salty on his lips. He then zipped up his pants and went back upstairs to his room to start painting.

_ _ _  
After Gerard painted for a while, he went out of his room to smoke another cigarette outside. But before he could go down the stairs, he found his brother Mikey doing one of his odd workout routines. He was dragging his own body by his arms up the stairs, lifting himself as his legs dragged behind him. When he reached the top of the stairs, he got up and ran back down them to rinse and repeat his routine. Mikey was an avid athlete that wanted to be in the Olympics. He’s been like this since he started high school. He was trained by their father, but not in a very healthy way. He would occasionally force Mikey to undress in only his underwear and bring him outside to spray him with cold water from the hose in the front yard, where they can be seen by neighbors. Donald would make Mikey stand still as he doused Mikey in freezing cold water, making Mikey suffer from start to finish. Donald wanted his youngest child to “be a man and not a pussy”, which made a huge impact on Mikey’s self-esteem, hence why he struggles with a low amount of it.

“Mikey, Mikey. I need to go downstairs to smoke a stick,” Gerard said to his brother when Mikey dragged himself up the stairs. Mikey looked up at Gerard, panting and sweating profusely.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, getting up to let Gerard pass through. When Gerard reached the bottom of the stairs, Mikey looked at him and sighed deeply. He hated the fact that Gerard smoked cigarettes so much. Mikey has been trying for years to getlikes brother to quit, but to no avail. “Why do you smoke that crap, Gerard?” he asked.

“Yes, I like it. I like these. When I smoke, I get bunny tooth. I get bunny tooth. Bunny tooth,” Gerard said. “Bunny tooth” was Gerard’s slang of saying that it makes him feel good, which Mikey found absurd.

“Whatever, Gerard,” Mikey said as he went back to working out. Gerard walked outside and sat in the rocking chair near one of the front windows, lighting his cigarette. He inhaled, then exhaled, smoke escaping from his lips. He suddenly saw that Frank, the young man he met earlier, was sitting out on the porch. When Frank saw Gerard, he got up and walked toward Gerard’s house, limping along the way there, his back hunched as he waved at him.

“Hey, Gerard. What’s up?” Frank asked as he made his way up the porch of the Way residence.

“Don’t talk to him,” said Haley, one of the voices in Gerard’s head. Gerard brushed this off immediately. He genuinely wanted to get to know someone better for once in a long time.

“Not much. No, not much at all, no,” Gerard replied, his face completely emotionless like it usually is, as well as his voice. He took another drag from his cigarette, blowing out the smoke from his gradually blackening lungs.

“Same here. You mind if I hang out with you?” Frank asked, eager to do just that since he was bored and in need to be social with someone.

“Sure, that’s fine, that’s fine. Sure,” Gerard replied as Frank sat down next to him. Gerard looked over at Frank, his eyes void of any light or emotion. As he did, his vision warped, distorting his sight as he heard a loud ringing in his ears. He immediately felt uncomfortable because of this, even though this actually happened pretty often to him.

“So, what should we talk about?” Frank asked.

“I dunno. I really don’t know. No, I don’t. I don’t know how the thoughts correlate, no, I don’t,” Gerard responded, worrying that the spies are nearby trying to steal his thoughts so they can broadcast them. Because of this, he felt his anxiety gradually increase to an alarming level.

“Well, what kind of music do you like?” Frank asked for starters. He loved music, his favorite genre being punk rock, and he wanted to know if Gerard liked anything similar to that.

“I like Morrissey and The Smiths. Those two are my favorites. I like them, I like them,” Gerard said. He had been listening to the aforementioned artists since Gerard was a teenager. Morrissey was pretty much his biggest idol.

“That’s cool. I’ve heard a little bit from the both of them. I like punk rock, you know? My favorite band is Green Day. I also really like Black Flag and The Misfits,” Frank smiled.

“Oh, nice. I like those bands too. I like them. They all know how to play. Playing they do. My favorite song from Green Day is Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. That’s a good song. Good song, good song,” Gerard replied.

“That’s a good one. I like Viva La Gloria off 21st Century Breakdown, but my favorite album from them is definitely American Idiot. I remember getting that album for Christmas not long after it first came out. Changed my whole life,”

“What changed my whole life is when my mommy died when she had my brother Mikey. She’s dead, and now she’s dead. I miss her, but she’s in heaven with Jesus and God now. Jesus and God are there. Amen, amen,” Gerard said, feeling his eyes water up as he thought of his deceased mother, Donna. She died due to heart complications while bringing Mikey into the world. The whole family was torn up about it, but Gerard thought that it affected her husband the most. He had completely changed since Donna died, resorting to heavy drinking and abusive behavior towards his own kids. Out of the three, it was Gerard that got it the worst due to his condition.

Soon enough, Gerard started to break down, crying uncontrollably. Frank frowned, feeling his heart break for him. Gerard missed his mom so much, and he so badly wanted to be with her in heaven. He also hated how his father treated him and his siblings. Gerard knew that he didn’t deserve to be treated like garbage. He always felt uncomfortable around him, afraid that Donald would either shout and him or swing his fists at him. Gerard had bruises all over his body as proof that his own father abuses him. Mikey also got the same treatment from Donald, but not as bad. As for Lindsey, she has never been hit, but is constantly verbally abused by him. Donald always found it wrong to hit a woman, especially since she’s now pregnant with her older brother’s baby. Gerard just wanted the suffering to end one way or another and be with his mom again. There were days he felt suicidal because of the fact that his mom is dead, and also due to the abuse he gets on an almost daily basis. At the end of the day though, Gerard still loved his father. He just wish he would put the vodka down and be a real father to him and his siblings.

“Hey, don’t cry, Gerard. You’re okay. At least your mom is in a better place now,” Frank said in a gentle and caring manner, putting his hand on Gerard’s shoulder as he wept.

“I just don’t get it. The angels come to me and always say that I’ll die soon. I don’t wanna die because then my thoughts will be broadcasted, and what happens when they’re broadcasted is that the whole world sees them, and then these men in suits come in and kill my dead body. They kill me til I’m dead. Black, black, black, black. I just don’t understand. The trees are swaying back and forth, and the clouds come down and hit me in the face,” Gerard explained, making Frank give him a perplexed look. Gerard has had experiences where he’d either look out the window or go outside to get a view of the sky, and he saw clouds moving towards him and bludgeon his head, which always made Gerard cry out in pain. The same thing also occasionally occurred with the moon. Frank honestly didn’t know how to react. He knew for sure that something was horribly wrong with Gerard’s mental state, but he still wanted to help in some way.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I could help you so that doesn’t happen again,” Frank said. Suddenly, Gerard began to hear loud static in his head, much like what you’d hear on the tv. The voices also began to speak to Gerard louder, yelling at him with venom laced in their tones. While all this was going on, his vision began to warp even more to the point where he couldn’t see anything clearly anymore.

“You’re an idiot, Gerard. You’re a fucking moron,” yelled Bert.

“He’s right, you know. You are so stupid! So fucking stupid!” Gabe shouted. Gerard could also hear Haley, Patrick, and Pete telling him that the spies are out to get them, all five of the voices blending together into a horrible hybrid of loud nonsense. Gerard covered his ears and began to rock back in forth as he started to hyperventilate. Frank began to panic, not knowing what to do.

“Gerard, what’s going on? Why are you freaking out?” Frank nearly exclaimed, shaking Gerard to hopefully bring him back to the real world, seeing him dissociate immensely. Gerard’s head suddenly shot up, and he quickly brought up his hands, hitting himself in the head in a vain attempt to get the voices to go away. Frank immediately sprang into action, standing up and trying to grab Gerard’s hands to get him to stop him from hurting himself.

“Gerard, stop it! You’re gonna get hurt!” Frank yelled, trying to regain Gerard’s attention. He didn’t know what else to do. He was really screwed, he thought to himself. He didn’t know whether to stay with Gerard til he calms down, or to leave. He felt so conflicted that it almost drove him nuts.

Frank heard the door open, and out came Lindsey, a look of panic on her face. She rushed over to Gerard and bent down on her knees to face him, trying so hard to get her boyfriend to look her in the eyes.

“What happened?” she asked Frank.

“I dunno, he just started freaking out of nowhere. He was making no sense when he was talking,” Frank responded.

“Not again. I don’t know who you are, but I’m gonna tell you this now. Gerard has schizophrenia. It’s so severe, but I’d hate to give up on him as a lost cause,” Lindsey said. She diverted her attention back to Gerard. “Baby, look at me. It’s me, Lindsey. You’re safe. Nobody’s gonna hurt you,”

Gerard didn’t respond. He kept hyperventilating as he hit his head repeatedly. Frank reached over and held down Gerard’s arms to prevent him from doing further damage to himself. His sunken eyes were raw with tears, looking down at the ground.

“I’m gonna get him some water. Keep holding him down,” Lindsey said, standing up and rushing back inside the house. Frank continued to hold down Gerard’s arms, but his hands were just about ready to give in due to the below average coordination he has, no thanks to his cerebral palsy. Gerard made a violent jerking movement, releasing himself from Frank’s grasp as he continued to hurt himself.

“Help me! Help me! I don’t wanna die! Oh, God...please help me!” Gerard screamed, which could likely be heard by many of the neighbors.

“Gerard,” a familiar voice called out. Gerard looked up and saw someone he hasn’t seen a while. It was one of his friends, and that person was named Lola. Lola was a tall figure with fluffy pink hair all over their body, their face covered by a white smiling mask. This immediately made Gerard stop panicking. He stared at Lola, his mouth hung open with drool running from it.

“You’re alright, Gerard. You’re not gonna die. Those voices you’re hearing are saying things that aren’t true. You are none of those things the voices call you. Remember who you really are,” Lola said in their monotone voice. This put a smile on Gerard’s face as tears ran from his eyes. These weren’t tears caused by turmoil. They were tears of joy. His friend has finally come back for him.

“Lola! You’re back!” Gerard exclaimed happily. “I know who I am. All hail lord king Gerard, all hail lord king Gerard. The voices nearly killed me. They killed the Jews. They killed...mother’s titties, and they killed the sky,” Gerard rambled. This perplexed Frank even more. At that moment, Lindsey came out with a bottle of water, and she looked relieved that Gerard seemed to have finally calmed down.

“You feeling better, Gee? I told you that you were gonna be alright,” Lindsey said as she handed Gerard the water, which he took a sip of as he continued to look at Lola. Soon enough, Lola faded from Gerard’s sight, leaving him alone with Frank and Lindsey. He turned over to them, smiling.

“Lola’s back. They came for me because the voices nearly killed me. They were gonna kill me, and then I was gonna die. Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die. Black, black, black, black, black,” Gerard rambled rapidly. Frank continued to stare in perplexion as Gerard laughed. Frank knew he had to get going soon since lunch was almost ready back home. His mom was making BLTs with avocado, one of Frank’s favorite dishes she makes. He just hoped that Gerard was gonna be okay. Now he knew what was wrong with the man he really liked, and he didn’t know whether to keep talking to him in the future, or avoid him like the plague. He felt bad for him, believing that other than his family, Gerard had no one. However, Frank was worried that Gerard might take his psychotic behavior out on him. He really didn’t know what to do…

“I gotta get going. It was nice talking to you, Gerard. I hope you feel better,” Frank said, getting up and limping his way back to his house across the street. As he left, Gerard looked at Lindsey. He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

“I love you, Lindsey,” Gerard said, which made Lindsey smile. She kissed Gerard back longingly.

“I love you too, Gee. Come inside. You can help me make lunch. I’m making egg salad sandwiches,” she replied. She and Gerard got up, walking back inside the house. As they walked into the kitchen, Lindsey thought about what happened just minutes ago. Gerard’s appointment with Dr. Bryar, his psychiatrist, was coming up soon. She just hoped that he’s willing to up the dose of Gerard’s medication since he’s clearly still experiencing symptoms. He desperately needed his dosage increased.


	4. Chapter 3: A Hard To Reach Malaria

Gerard and the rest of his family sat at the table, eating food from KFC since Lindsey had the money to get her and her family some food from there. For quite a while, Gerard had been working on a poem. He did this pretty often, as he took a liking to poetry when he was in high school. He even took a creative writing class during his junior year, and was in honors English classes all throughout school. He decided to share this poem with his family, hoping that he’ll receive good feedback from them.

“I got a poem. You wanna hear it?” Gerard said as he ate some mashed potatoes with gravy off his plate.

“Yeah, let’s hear it,” Lindsey replied, sitting next to Gerard.

“Morning, chaos. Eternity, chaos. Morning, chaos. Eternity chaos,” Gerard started, rambling quickly. “Noon, chaos. Eternity, chaos. Midnight, chaos. Morning, chaos,”

“Gerard, cut it out,” Donald scoffed as he took a sip of his beer, which definitely wasn’t the first for the day.

“Noon, chaos. Eternity, chaos. Midnight, chaos. Eternity, chaos, Midnight, chaos--”

“Gerard, stop. That’s not a poem. It...it doesn’t even rhyme. It’s just chaos, chaos, chaos,” Donald said. “I thought that ‘poem’ was shit. It’s just artsy-fartsy bullshit. I didn’t like it at all. Now shut up and eat,”

Gerard stared down at his plate in discontent. He felt really hurt by what his father told him, harshly criticizing his hard work. He knew there was nothing he could do to redeem himself at this point since he had no other recent works to share. This wasn’t the first time Donald insulted him for his ramblings of a madman when it came to sharing the poems he created, either. Quietly, and without much complaint, he continued to eat his food.

_ _ _  
Gerard watched as Lindsey played on her harp that she bought from an antique shop not far from their house. He liked how the music sounded, and he knew Lindsey was pretty good at playing the instrument. He wanted to praise her for her playing of the harp.

“You’re good, Lindsey. You play the harp well. You play it well, you play the harp well,” Gerard spoke in his usual rambling way. Lindsey paid no mind to how Gerard was talking, as usual.

“Thanks, babe. I appreciate that,” Lindsey replied. Suddenly, Donald walked in, looking blitzed, and it was clear as day that he was.

“Gerard, tell your sister that she’s a dilettante, and that she’s a slut, and she will never learn to play the harp,” he said to Gerard in an aggressive manner. Gerard was immediately frightened by the way Donald was talking to him. He knew what all this was a sign of, and that was that Donald was on the verge of beating the loving shit outta him if he didn’t follow his orders. He didn’t wanna be beaten again, but he also didn’t wanna insult his one and only girlfriend that’s soon to bring their baby into the world. But did he really have a choice at this point? The last thing he wanted was to get hurt, but he had to avoid it at the expense of hurting Lindsey’s feelings.  


“You’re a dilettante, and a slut, and you’re never gonna learn to play the harp,” Gerard said, feeling utter guilt. Lindsey didn’t feel insulted, though. She knew that Donald telling Gerard to insult her was just one of his ways of manipulating with his children. Donald suddenly walked up to the harp angrily, harshly pulling at the strings of it, making off-key music that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. This made both Gerard and Lindsey jump back a bit in sudden fright.

“I just can’t stand this any longer!” Donald shouted. “I just can’t stand this any longer, Gerard. I might just step on this here,” he said, motioning to the harp.

“No, don’t,” Lindsey said, her voice raised.

“Don’t even bother defending your sister, you’ll just look stupid. You are so stupid!” Donald yelled at Gerard, making him jump back a little. “You’ll look completely, and utterly, and irrevocably stupid. If I were so stupid, I would slap my own face!”

Gerard immediately felt himself panic. His anxiety levels were through the roof. The only thing he could do at this point was to let it all out. He laughed out loud, losing his mind once again. Sometimes when Gerard was on the verge of one of his episodes, he would react in an odd manner, and laughing hysterically was one of them. He knew he had to keep doing what Donald was telling him to do, or else he’d face the consequences from his own father.

“Well, I’m not even stupid like that! I’m not even stupid like that!” Gerard exclaimed, lightly slapping the side of his face. This immediately made Lindsey upset. She knew that Donald was doing all this to her poor brother to get a rise out of him, and was preying on him out of pure malevolence in the midst of his drunken rage. As Gerard continued to repeat himself on top of slapping his own face, Lindsey sprang into action. The best she could do was try to get Gerard to calm down and get him to ignore Donald.

“Gerard, relax. Just stop. Don’t pay attention to him,” Lindsey said, walking up to Gerard’s aid.

“I gotta be stupid like that! I gotta be stupid like that! I gotta be stupid like that!” Gerard yelled even louder, pacing around the room as he continued to mutilate himself.

“Tell him to slap his face!” Donald shouted and Lindsey.

“No, just stop it, dad,” Lindsey spat, desperately continuing to try to get Gerard to lose his steam.

“Just slap your face, Gerard. Just keep slapping your face. You might just even wake up. Just slap your own face,” Donald said, ignoring Lindsey. He then turned to her. “Tell him to slap it harder,”

“Just stop it,” Lindsey scoffed.

“Can it hurt me, pop? Can it hurt me? Can it hurt me, pop?” Gerard asked repeatedly, still hitting himself. Lindsey felt her heart shatter to pieces, seeing Gerard so distressed and on the verge of a full-blown psychotic episode. Gerard hurt himself harder, pounding his fists against his head, which began to throb. As Donald left the room, Lindsey turned back to Gerard, still now even more desperate to get Gerard to snap out of it.

“Gerard, Gerard. Just stop. He’s gone,” she said.

“Can it hurt me, pop? Can it hurt me, pop? Can it hurt me, pop? Can it hurt me, pop?” Gerard shouted, his voice laced with pure hysteria. Lindsey grabbed hold of Gerard and helped him to the ground as he laughed maniacally. Once Gerard was laid on the ground, Lindsey began to rock him, stroking his hair.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay,” Lindsey said to Gerard in a calming manner.

“Bless your life, may you bless your life. May your life be blessed. Two for two, two for two,” Gerard rambled as Lindsey held him. “Life for life, blood for blood. Life for life, blood for blood. And-and-and life for life, blood for blood. The martyr serves his father! God serves as lord and collects his blood! The martyr serves his father…,”

Gerard began to pant heavily, gradually starting to calm down as Lindsey continued to cradle him. Soon enough, Gerard was back to being stable...for now. Lindsey turned Gerard’s head, getting him to look at her.

“You’re okay. He’s gone now. I think you should call it a night,” she said. She let go of Gerard, and he stood up.

“I gotta go to bed. I gotta go to bed, I gotta go to bed,” Gerard replied at a rapid pace.

“You go do that. It’s getting late. Just be sure to take your meds before you go to bed,”

“Okay. Okay, okay,”

Gerard turned away, walking outta Lindsey’s room and headed to the bathroom to get his pills. He got them out after walking in the bathroom, popped his pills, and walked out, getting ready to undress for bed. Despite usually being knocked out from the potency of his nighttime medication, he knew he wasn’t gonna sleep well tonight after all that just ensued.

_ _ _  
Frank laid on his bed as he listened to The Smashing Pumpkins, unable to stop thinking about what happened with Gerard earlier when he had a psychotic episode. He felt really terrible for him now that he knows he has schizophrenia, but he also knew that Gerard could possibly pose as a threat to him.

Frank had been having a harder time walking lately. He tripped and fell over three times today, and had to use the wheelchair ramp on the side of the front of the house instead of the steps. He could also hear the slur in his voice getting worse. Right now, he felt so weak, and his whole body was in pain, but he took some painkillers to numb it a little. He remembered being wheelchair-bound when he was younger, but as time went by, he gained the ability to walk. He feared of his body regressing back to the point of being barely able to walk. He just hoped it won’t happen to him. Frank needed help with some activities of daily living, such as dressing, bathing, and eating. He had to use the shower chair in the bathroom downstairs whenever he wanted to shower to avoid slipping and falling. His room was on the first floor, so he never had to use the stairs and risk falling. He was also hypoglycemic, meaning he had to eat frequently and avoid sugary foods and drinks while doing so. There were a few times where he nearly died from his blood sugar being too low. Thankfully, Frank recently ate some Greek yogurt with some berries, and after his mom pricked his finger to check his blood sugar, the results came back at a good level. He hated how he constatly had to draw a little blood every time he had to get his blood sugar checked, but he knew it was vital for the sake of his health.

Frank also struggled with reading, writing, and math. He failed to thrive in those areas all throughout school, and was always placed in special ed classes as a result. He hated how his disability limited him from doing a lot of things. Since he was young, he always dreamed of being a guitarist in a punk rock band, but due to his poor coordination in his hands and arms, he didn’t have the potential to fulfill his biggest aspiration in his life.

There were times where Frank would throw temper tantrums much like a young child would. He was pretty hot-headed, and his tantrums often happened over the smallest of things. Because of his childish tendencies and bad temper, he regularly had to see a therapist and psychiatrist. He’s been prescribed mood stabilizers and anti-depressants, those being Depakote (which not only stabilized his mood, but also prevented him from having seizures, something he’s experienced too many times), and the anti-depressant being Lexapro. He had been psychiatrically hospitalized when he was in high school after attempting suicide by overdosing on his medication. He did this because he was being severely bullied in school due to both his physical and mental handicap, and also because he was in the “retard classes”, as many of Frank’s bullies called them. One day, after being given a swirly by two of the bullies in a toilet that had urine in it, he just couldn’t take it anymore, and he went home and tried ending his own life, but thankfully, his attempt failed.

As Frank laid in bed, being on the verge of falling asleep, his mind went back to Gerard once again. He knew full and well Gerard was sick in the head, much worse than he is. Frank knew that he needed a friend, because he was well aware that no one else would want to befriend Gerard. Frank suddenly felt bad for considering dropping his and Gerard’s friendship like a ton of bricks. Gerard needs someone to fight for him, Frank said to himself before closing his eyes.


	5. Chapter 4: I've Got The Mood That Seems To Scare You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that there hasn't been a whole lot of frerard action so far in this fic, but trust me, when I post the next chapter, it'll start coming in. Just be patient. There's honestly nothing wrong with taking it slow. I've read several frerard fics that did the same thing. Anyway, enjoy the chapter :)

After breakfast, Gerard got dressed and headed with Lindsey and Mikey out to Lindsey’s Ford Focus. Today was Gerard’s appointment with his psychiatrist, Dr. Bryar. Since Gerard talked in word salads most of the time and couldn’t comprehend doctor lingo, such as information about his medication and symptoms, Lindsey’s the one that had to do all the talking to Dr. Bryar. Mikey decided to tag along both due to being bored and wanting to get away from Donald since he was wasted, and it was a Thursday morning, which clearly isn’t the best time to get drunk. When Gerard, Lindsey, and Mikey got in the car, Lindsey started up the car, and decided to put in one of the CDs from Green Day that she owned. She chose to put in American Idiot, and as soon as Gerard heard the song with the same name, he instantly got excited, not only because he was fond of Green Day, but also because Green Day is Frank’s favorite band. He just wished that Frank was with him so they could listen to Green Day together.

“I love this song! This song is good, love this song. I hear the tunes and they give me bunny tooth!” Gerard said excitedly.

“I know it does, babe. I knew you’d be happy to listen to this stuff,” Lindsey replied, laughing as she drove. It wasn’t a very far drive to the psychiatrist’s office, so they should all arrive there sooner or later; it was about a ten minute drive. Gerard rolled down the window, his head outside the car door, wind blowing his black hair. He loved how the late winter breeze felt against his face as he listened to a band he really liked. Gerard soon realized that for the first time in a while, he was genuinely happy, and his inner demons were subdued...for now.

_ _ _  
When Gerard, Lindsey, and Mikey arrived at the psychiatrist’s office, they got out and went inside. Lindsey checked Gerard in for him with the receptionist, and they all sat down. Mikey texted one of his friends as he did, while Lindsey checked her Facebook profile on her phone. As for Gerard, who didn’t have a phone due to being incapable of using one due to the severity of his illness, he sat idly. He suddenly heard a cracking noise that was coming from above him. He looked up at the ceiling, seeing a series of cracks. Gerard could tell that they were pretty bad. He thought that the ceiling could collapse at any minute. He didn’t know why anyone else didn’t notice this.

“Mikey, Lindsey, the ceiling’s cracking, the ceiling’s cracking,” Gerard said in a panicked tone. Nearby, many of the other people in the waiting room with Gerard, Mikey, and Lindsey all stared at Gerard, their emotions ranging from confusion, to pity, to disgust. Lindsey and Mikey hated it when Gerard would make a scene in public, which was why they both encouraged Gerard to stay home, but they understood why he’d want to leave the house; he mainly wanted to leave the house so that he could get away from Donald. Gerard had to leave the house this time so that he could see his doctor, too.

“What are you talking about?” Lindsey asked, looking up from her phone.

“The ceiling’s cracking. It’s gonna give, and we’re gonna get killed, and then we’re gonna die. When I die, the whole world is gonna radiate. It’ll glow, and it’ll snow down hard. I feel the heat when I go outside, because it hurts when I turn back,” Gerard rambled, making sense to absolutely no one. Mikey couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed hearing his sick older brother rant about complete nonsense. Lindsey didn’t feel embarrassed though; she believed that if anyone had a problem with Gerard, they should tell it to her face, and when they do, she will chew them out.

“Gerard, the ceiling’s not gonna collapse. If it were gonna collapse, this place would be condemned. We’re fine,” she said in a calm manner.

“You sure?” Gerard asked.

“I’m positive,” Lindsey smiled.

“Oh...okay, okay, okay,” Gerard said quickly. At that moment, a woman walked out the door leading to Dr. Bryar’s office and called Gerard’s name. Gerard, Lindsey, and Mikey all stood up and walked inside and down the hall to where Dr. Bryar is, sitting behind his desk as he looked at the computer screen on it. He looked up when he saw Gerard, Lindsey, and Mikey walk in.

“Please, sit down,” he said, his voice low and gruff. They all did just that, with Lindsey sitting next to the man that impregnated her. “How are you doing, Gerard?”

“Hello, doc. I’m doing good. Hi, doc. Doing good,” Gerard responded.

“Good, good,” Dr. Bryar said, pulling out Gerard’s file from his desk drawer. He opened it up, reading it over. “Have you been taking your medication?”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have been,” Gerard said quickly.

“Good to hear. So, in your file it says you’re taking 1000 milligrams of Lithium. It also says you’re taking 800 milligrams of Clozapine,” Dr. Bryar told Gerard.

“That’s right. We want you to increase his dosage. He’s been getting worse lately. He would have at least one psychotic episode per day, sometimes more,” Lindsey added.

“Oh, really? What do these episodes entail?” Dr. Bryar asked.

“He would talk to himself and experience hallucinations frequently. Sometimes he’d even lash out at us or have a panic attack, which are most likely caused by the psychosis.He also still doesn’t make any sense when he talks,” Lindsey replied. Since she’s Gerard’s power of attorney, she is the one that suggests what Dr. Bryar should do, and is also in control of Gerard’s Social Security money. She does give Gerard some money to spend leisurely, such as on cigarettes, but as for the rest of the money, Lindsey uses it to pay for his medical insurance and countless amounts of bills from all the times Gerard has been psychiatrically hospitalized.

“I see. We can increase the dosage of his Clozapine to 900 milligrams, but that’s the maximum dosage for that medication. He’ll still be taking it twice a day. 450 milligrams in the morning, and another 450 at nighttime,” Dr. Bryar suggested.

“Whatever works. We just want him to be well,” Lindsey responded. Gerard suddenly felt very tense, but he didn’t know why. He began to think that something bad was going to happen.

“Someone is trying to get in here. It’s one of the spies,” said Pete, one of the voices. This immediately made Gerard panic, his body starting to rock back and forth in his seat. He had to get out before the spy gets a hold of information about his thoughts, and later send them to the government so that they can broadcast them.

“You gotta get out now, Gerard,” spoke Patrick, another one of the voices. Both Pete and Patrick started to speak to each other, the voices overlapping one another until it became unbearable to hear. Gerard suddenly heard the loud ringing in his ears like he did the other day as his vision began to warp again, distorting everything around him. Gerard began to breathe heavily at a rapid pace. This immediately made everyone else in the room alarmed, especially Lindsey.

“Gee, are you okay?” she asked, turning to him.

“We gotta get out, we gotta get out, we gotta get out. Someone is spying on me. They’re gonna use their devices to record my thoughts because of the chip in my head that they put in while I was sleeping. I’m not having bunny tooth at all!” Gerard yelled. “The chip beeps when the spies are near by, but it doesn’t work that way anymore because God told me that they all come in different sizes. Stock them in multiple colors. Bite somebody on in the inside,”

“We should get going. Gerard’s not having a good day, as you can see,” Lindsey said. “Can you give us the scripts so we can drop them off at the pharmacy?”

“Of course. I’ll also write one for the Lithium,” Dr. Bryar said, quickly writing down the scripts, then handing them to Lindsey. Gerard shot up from his seat and ran right out of the office, trying to get away from the supposed spy that was apparently stalking him.

“Gerard!” Lindsey yelled. Mikey ran ahead of Lindsey since she can’t run due to being pregnant. Mikey caught up with Gerard out in the parking lot, who was desperately trying to open the Lindsey’s car, but since it was locked, he couldn’t open it.

“Gerard, it’s okay. No one’s after you,” Mikey said to his brother.

“Get on out of here. Always something ignant, something ignant. That motherfucker been stalking me since I got off!” Gerard hollered. Lindsey soon walked out, walking to Gerard’s aid immediately.

“Calm down, Gee. Nobody’s trying to hurt you,” she said calmly as she turned to unlock the car. Once she did, everyone started to get inside.

“I didn’t raise you, so get the hell off me,” Gerard spat as he sat down and tried to buckle his seatbelt. His vision was still very fuzzy as he struggled to find where to put the buckle in, but soon got it in. “Get the hell off me, get the hell off me!” he said, raising his voice.

“Just drive, Lindsey,” Mikey sighed.

“That’s what I’m doing,” Lindsey said as she started up the car, immediately backing out of the driveway. She went ten miles above the speed limit on the road, wanting to quickly drop off Gerard’s scripts at the pharmacy before things get worse.

“Walking around here with a pocket full? I’m not,” Gerard scoffed. Lindsey turned on the radio as she drove, which played classical music. She usually put on this kind of music to calm down Gerard, which usually somewhat helped.

“Just listen to the music, Gee,” she said to her elder brother. Gerard tried to, but suddenly, he began to feel even more off. He looked behind him to see a black car following right behind them. As far as Gerard knew, the spies drove black cars, and this one in particular looked like the same exact model as the ones they drove. Gerard instantly began to panic again. Someone was following him.

“Someone’s following us!” Gerard yelled in a panicked tone, his whole body shaking immensely as he began to hyperventilate, feeling a little light-headed.

“Gerard, that’s not true. We’re fine,” Lindsey said, alarmed that Gerard is starting to lose it again. She put her foot on the gas harder, trying to get to the pharmacy quickly and hoping to God that she doesn’t get pulled over by the cops. Behind her, Gerard began to bang on the door loudly, hurting his hands in the process.

“Help me! Help me! They’re coming for me! They’re coming for me, they’re gonna come for me! Helpmehelpmehelpme!” Gerard screamed. Next to him, Mikey wrapped his arms around his brother, trying to contain him.

“Control yourself, Gerard! You don’t wanna end up back in the hospital, do you?” Mikey nearly shouted as Gerard pushed and shoved Mikey, tears running from his eyes. He had completely lost his mind yet again, and Mikey and Lindsey began to fear that they couldn’t bring him back to reality. He began to shout as he cried, but thankfully, he was no longer violent. He buried his face into his hands, weeping immensely. He began to feel a moist warmth settle in the crotch of his pants. He had just wet himself out of pure dismay. The scent immediately began to spread throughout the vehicle, and both Mikey and Lindsey gagged.

“Gerard, did you pee your pants again?” Lindsey asked, holding up her shirt to cover her nose.

“It’s pretty apparent he did,” Mikey replied, gagging.

“Fuck,” Lindsey scoffed. Her and Mikey still needed to calm Gerard down since she could barely focus on driving, and the last thing she wanted was to get into an accident. She pulled over to the side of the road and parked the car, then got out and opened up the back door to face Gerard, his body still trembling as he cried.

“Gerard, honey, look at me. Nobody’s following us. Take a look,” she said. Gerard looked up, looking left and right to find the spy’s car. He thankfully didn’t see it anywhere, and soon enough, Gerard began to calm down, his cries subduing to sniffles.

“They’re gone. They’re not here anymore. They left, they left, they left. They went somewhere else,” Gerard said at his usual fast pace.

“Nobody was following us. Now just take some deep breaths, in through the nose, and out through the mouth. We gotta drop off your scripts for your meds,” Lindsey advised. Gerard obeyed, breathing in through his nose, then exhaling. Lindsey smiled at him.

“I’m feeling better now. I’m feeling better, I’m feeling better,” Gerard said.

“Good, Gee. I gotta keep driving now,” Lindsey said as she got back up front and continued to drive to the pharmacy.

_ _ _  
It was around two when Gerard, Lindsey, and Mikey returned home. Gerard took a nap that lasted about four hours. When he woke up, he made himself some coffee and instant ramen noodles. As he finished up, he drank the broth, then threw out the styrofoam cup. His mind randomly started to think of Frank. He suddenly felt the urge to check in with him. Frank seemed really nice to him, and getting to know him was a top priority. Gerard honestly wanted a friend to talk to other than just Lola since they weren’t always around that often. He just hoped that his voices wouldn’t interfere while he talks to Frank. Despite Frank’s apparent impediment, Gerard saw past all that and saw a kind and loving person that seemed to have a lot in common with him. At that moment, Gerard knew what he was gonna do, and that he was gonna attempt to get to know Frank better, and form a genuine friendship with him. Aside from Lola, Gerard couldn’t remember the last time he had someone in his life to call a friend of his.


	6. Chapter 5: I'm Paranoid, Self-Destroyed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like I said before...this is the chapter where you'll all get some frerard action, but only a little bit. Enjoy!

Other than Donald, Gerard was the only one home. Mikey was at work at the grocery store, and Lindsey was out with a friend for dinner. When her, Mikey, and Gerard were at the pharmacy earlier, Lindsey bought a package of adult pull ups for Gerard since his urinary incontinence has clearly gotten worse, knowing what ensued earlier when Gerard was in the midst of a psychotic episode, and he was wearing one now under his sweatpants.  
After putting on his coat and black and gray striped coat since it was a little chilly, Gerard walked outside and headed to Frank’s house across the street. He walked up the steps, then rang the doorbell. It took about two minutes for someone to answer the door. The person that opened up the door was Frank, and when he saw that Gerard had just stopped by, a huge smile grew on his face. He was wondering what Gerard had been up to lately, and hoped that he’s been doing alright after what he witnessed the other day.

“Hey, Gerard!” Frank nearly exclaimed, his slur more apparent in his voice. “How are you?”

“I’m doing okay, I’m okay. Are your parents home?” Gerard asked.

“No, they’re out. They just left. Why?” Frank questioned.

“Well, uh...I was wondering if I could hang with you here,” Gerard said. As soon as Frank heard this, the smile on his face became even bigger. Just the thought of Frank spending time with Gerard was like being on cloud 9.

“Yeah, of course! Come in! We can hang in my room!” Frank said excitedly, letting Gerard in. He got a good look at the place. All the furniture was already settled in, and by the looks of it, Frank and his family’s house looked nicer than Gerard’s. He liked how the house was furnished. There was a leather couch and a couple of armchairs in the living room, complete with a flatscreen tv and fireplace. Hanging on the wall was the Starry Night painting made by Van Gogh, a piece of artwork that Gerard was very fond of. Across the living room was the small dining room, which had black wooden chairs and a long table, as well as an abstract painting that had swirls of blue, pink, green, black, and yellow. A medium sized palm plant sat in one of the corners of the room, too.

“You-you-you got a nice house,” Gerard said as his eyes scanned the vicinity.

“Oh, thanks,” Frank said. “Come on, let’s go to my room,” Frank said as he walked down the hall, limping along the way. Gerard followed him, and together, they stepped into Frank’s room. The walls were painted a robin egg blue, with several punk rock band posters taped on them. In the corner of the room was a twin sized bed, and across from it was a tv on an accent table, right next to the dresser. It looked pretty well kempt, unlike Gerard’s room back home.

“Nice room. You got a nice room. Better than mine, way better than mine,” Gerard said.

“Oh, thanks,” Frank said as he sat down on his bed, still smiling. “So, what should we do?” 

Gerard wondered what he and Frank should do to pass time. He suddenly came up with an idea. He was in the mood to listen to some music. Since they had similar tastes in music, Gerard thought that this would be fun.

“Can-can-can we listen to musiic?” Gerard asked.

“Yeah, we can,” Frank said, pulling out his phone from his pocket, then turning on the tv to cast the phone to it. “What should we listen to?”

Gerard began to think of what artist, which he was uncertain about. He wanted to listen to something that both he and Frank were familiar with...but what?

“I-I dunno,” Gerard said.

“How about Morrissey, since you like him?” Frank asked. When he did, Gerard smiled.

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Morrissey,” Gerard said quickly.

“Okay. I’ll just put it on shuffle,” Frank said, searching for the aforementioned artist on Spotify. As soon as he hit play, one of Gerard’s favorite songs from Morrissey came on, which was “Last Of The Famous International Playboys”. Gerard tapped his foot as he started to sing along, his voice harmonious and not faltering one bit. Gerard had a talent for singing. He learned to sing when his grandma taught him, and when he was in high school, he was in choir classes. When Frank heard Gerard singing, he couldn’t help but feel very impressed.

“Wow, Gerard. You’re a good singer!” Frank said.

“Oh, thanks, thanks. Thank you,” Gerard said before continuing to sing. He kept doing this until the song ended, and then “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get” began to play. At that moment, Frank began to feel off, and he knew why. His blood sugar was getting low, so that meant he had to eat something.

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna grab a snack,” Frank said, standing up and limping his way to the kitchen.

“Okay. Okay, okay,” Gerard said at a fast pace. He waited for Frank to return, and soon enough, he came back with a plastic cup of sliced fruit, which contained pineapples, honeydew melon, grapes, and strawberries. He opened up the cup and ate a strawberry as he sat down.

“Want some fruit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure,” Gerard said, reaching in the cup for a pineapple. He ate it, the taste sweet and tangy on his tongue. As they ate the fruit together, Frank got a look at Gerard without him looking. He felt half tempted to make a move on him, but he asked himself if now is a good time. He wondered how he even should make that said move. He figured he’d start off with something a little flirty.

“You look very good, Gerard,” he said shyly. Gerard looked over at him, giving him a perplexed look of disbelief. He didn’t believe this was true at all.

“I don’t think so, no, no, no. I hate my face. I’m sick of seeing it,” Gerard scoffed.

“Come on, Gerard. You have a nice face. You shouldn’t be sick of seeing it,” Frank rebutted.

“I’m sick of seeing my face. I am allowed to be sick of seeing my face, becuase it’s my fucking face. You know what I’m saying? I hate my face, I hate it. Hate it,”

“Oh, stop it. I like your face,” Frank said, blushing. He figured that maybe wasn’t a good time to flirt. He decided to just break the ice with Gerard for starters. “So, about that girl that was with you that’s pregnant. Is she your sister or something?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Gerard nodded. “She’s my girlfriend,”

Frank furrowed his brow upon hearing this. Was Lindsey his sister, or his girlfriend. Maybe his misunderstood Gerard. It would be tough shit for him if Gerard was already taken.

“Wait, she’s...is she your sister or girlfriend?” Frank asked.

“She’s my sister and my girlfriend. She asked me to be her boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriend. Lindsey’s my girlfriend. We’re having a baby soon. Baby’s coming soon,” Gerard replied. Frank felt his heart shatter, but hearing this also made his blood boil. Even though his mindset is a little delayed, he knew that Lindsey was taking advantage of Gerard, who is someone that Frank knew couldn’t think for himself. He cursed Lindsey’s name in his head, wanting to confront her. His face mustered a look of disgust and devastation.

“Gerard...you’re dating your sister? And she’s pregnant with your baby?” Frank asked shakily. “Why would you even date her?”

“Because she asked me to,” Gerard said. Frank now knew for sure that Lindsey was taking advantage of Gerard, knowing his frayed mindset.

“Gerard...that’s just...wrong. I’m sorry, but she’s just taking advantage of you for her own twisted benefit,” Frank replied. Gerard didn’t understand what he was trying to get across to him. As far as he knew, his and Lindsey’s relationship was completely normal. He didn’t know why Frank had an issue with this.

“I love her. She’s my girl. She tells me she loves and cares for me. She take care of me and loves me, loves me, cares for me,” Gerard said quickly.

“I understand that she loves you, but...what she’s doing is wrong,” Frank said. At that moment, Frank knew what he had to do.

“Why is it wrong--”

Frank cut off Gerard, leaning in and kissing him on the lips as he closed his eyes, his shaking hands on Gerard’s shoulders. It only lasted for about ten seconds before Frank pulled himself away. Gerard didn’t respond to the kiss in any way, besides blushing a little. He was just so perplexed that he didn’t know how to respond. Frank didn’t like how Gerard responded, not kissing him back. He immediately felt low because of this.

“I...I’m sorry. I just had to do that,” Frank said, his voice trembling.

“Wh-why? Why’d you do it? Why?” Gerard asked.

“I...I don’t know. I just…,” Frank said stopping himself from saying that he likes Gerard as more than just a friend. It would be too much to say too soon.

“Just what?”

“Never mind. Just pretend I didn’t do it, okay? You can’t tell anyone what I just did, especially Lindsey. Promise?”

“Okay, okay. I won’t tell anyone. Not even Lindsey. Not-not-not even her,” Gerard responded.

“Thank you,” Frank said, leaning closer to Gerard and holding him in his arms, burying his face into Gerard’s chest. Gerard slowly returned the favor, hugging him back. For the first time, Gerard felt like he was genuinely cared for. It felt more genuine than it ever did with Lindsey. He told himself this as Gerard held Frank. It lasted almost forever.


	7. Chapter 6: Believe Me Lord, I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS CONTENT THAT MIGHT MAKE SOME READERS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR DISTURBED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Frank and Gerard watched the movie The Outsiders after all that happened earlier. Gerard still didn’t know how to react to what Frank did to him. It was all just so sudden. But as he and Frank watched their movie, he suddenly realized that he kinda liked how it all felt...but why? Gerard has never felt this way around someone like Frank. It was not even like that with Lindsey. Throughout the entire movie, Gerard tried to think hard as to what made him like Frank, so much that it almost boggled his mind.

When Frank’s parents got home from their dinner date, Gerard headed home since it was getting late. Frank and Gerard exchanged numbers, and Gerard said that he can only use the house phone since he didn’t have a cell phone. When Gerard got home, he decided to work on his painting that was almost finished. He hoped he could sell it for some money since he was low on it. As he listened to the Rubber Soul album from The Beatles, his favorite song off that album being “Norwegian Wood”, Gerard painted, focusing on every detail. Soon enough, he was all finished. He waited for the paint to dry so that he could set it aside and possibly start on another painting. He knew what he wanted to paint next. He wanted to paint a portrait of the man that just kissed him earlier. He could easily remember every detail of his face, from his eyes to his jawline. When the painting dried, he set it down next to his easel, and grabbed a large fresh canvas from his closet. He put it up on his easel, and grabbed a pencil, sketching the outlines before he could start the painting itself. As he drew, Lindsey walked in.

“Hey, babe. I see you finished your painting,” Lindsey, looking at the painting Gerard finished, which turned out to be a hybrid of crazy patterns around the cat, so much that it looked like a very complex mandala that had a lot of detail. She really loved how it looked, and she knew that Gerard could make some good money off of it after putting it up on Craigslist to be sold. She heard Don McLean’s song “Starry, Starry Night” play from Gerard’s radio, since the Rubber Soul album was done playing, and Gerard changed the cd earlier.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I finished it. I finished the painting. Yeah, I finished it. It’s finished,” Gerard said, his speech jumbled, like the usual.

“Seems like you’ve been working really hard. Maybe you should take a break. You want something to drink?” Lindsey asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll have a drink. Sure, I’ll have a drink. Can I have some coffee with cream? No sugar, no, no, no,” Gerard replied.

“Coffee with cream and no sugar it is. I’ll be back,” Lindsey said as she walked out of Gerard’s room and downstairs to the kitchen. Gerard continued to sketch until Lindsey soon came back upstairs to his room, a mug of coffee in her hand. She handed it to Gerard, who took a long sip from it. There was something about the coffee that tasted bitter...in fact, a little too bitter. It was pretty unusual. But Gerard really didn’t mind. In fact, he liked it somewhat bitter and not too sweet. He sat down on his bed, continuing to enjoy his hot drink. As he did, Lindsey stroked Gerard’s hair, twirling her fingers in it. When Gerard finished his cup, he began to feel a little off. He felt pretty lightheaded, and his vision was blurring. He bent forward, his head hanging down as drool ran from his lips. As time went by, he felt more and more weary...but why?

“Lindsey...I don’t feel good. I’m not having bunny tooth. I don’t get it, I just don’t get it, I don’t get it,” Gerard mumbled.

“Maybe you should lie down. That should help. It is getting late, after all,” Lindsey replied. She helped Gerard lay down on his bed as he began to slip into unconsciousness. As his head laid on the pillow, he could feel Lindsey take off his shoes, then his black tie, and after that, he was asleep.

_ _ _  
After Lindsey put her clothes back on, standing beside an unconscious Gerard lying in his bed, she went to the bathroom and cleaned up the semen all over his legs and stomach with a wet rag. After that, she took a blanket from the closet and laid it on top of Gerard’s body, his clothes back on. She had a hard time dressing him since he was knocked out, but due to her experience with working with elderly residents as a CNA at a nursing home (a job that’s paying her for maternal leave), it wasn’t as bad as she feared it would be. She leaned down and kissed Gerard on the forehead, then walked out of his room, making her way back to her room to play her harp. Today was a good day for her. Gerard won’t remember a thing when he wakes up later, she said to herself.

_ _ _  
(Five days later)

Today was Lindsey’s appointment to see whether she’ll be having a boy or a girl. She encouraged Gerard to stay home, not only because she wanted to surprise him, but also because she was afraid of Gerard possibly starting a scene at the hospital, a place that always made Gerard feel uncomfortable, though she didn’t tell him the latter. When Lindsey found out she was pregnant, she told Gerard that she gets to call shots on naming the baby if it was a boy since she preferred that gender for her baby. However, if it was a girl, she said she’d let Gerard name her.

Gerard started his heightened dose of Clozapine and Lithium the night he passed out suddenly, and he felt awful. He could barely get himself to wake up this morning, and was bordering on a zombie-like state. He also felt hungrier than the usual, but thankfully, Lindsey made him and the rest of the family a big breakfast consisting of eggs benedict, fresh fruit, and sausage. Gerard drank extra cups of coffee in an attempt to wake up, which somewhat worked. The increased dose of medication did do one good thing for him, and that was that his schizophrenic symptoms have decreased. He didn’t hear any of the voices so far today, and his hallucinations were subdued. His speech was also a little more understandable to hear, though he did slip up on some occasions.

Gerard was in his room, working on his portrait of Frank. It was coming along pretty well, which pleased Gerard. He listened to The Beatle’s Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album on his radio as he worked. Downstairs, he heard the front door open, followed by footsteps going up the stairs. This could only mean one thing; Lindsey has come home, and he now gets to find out the gender of the baby. He put down his paintbrush and walked up to Lindsey as she walked in his room. He leaned in and gave her a kiss, smiling.

“Well, are we gonna have a boy or a girl?” he asked. Lindsey smiled.

“Gerard...we are gonna have a girl!” she said happily. Gerard was so happy to hear this, since he was betting on having a girl. He hugged her tightly, kissing her on the cheek.

“We’re having a girl! That’s great!” Gerard replied, letting go of Lindsey.

“Well...since I said you can name the baby if it turned out to be a girl...what are you gonna name her?”

Gerard looked down, deep in thought. He wanted to name their daughter something that had a nice ring to it. At that moment, “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” came on, and that’s when he knew what to name their unborn girl.

“I wanna name her Lucy, like ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’. I think that name will be perfect for her. It’ll be great, it’ll be perfect. I like it, I do like it. I like that one,” Gerard smiled.

“I like that name too. Good choice, Gee,” Lindsey said, smiling back. She wrapped her arms around Gerard, and they held each other for a long time. Soon enough, Gerard will become a father, and he was starting to get better at the right time. He just hoped it will stay this way.

Downstairs, the phone in the kitchen rang. It was very seldom for the household to get calls on the house phone, so that could only mean one thing; Frank was the one that was trying to call Gerard. This immediately made Gerard elated, a smile spreading across his face.

“I got it,” Gerard nearly exclaimed, running out of his room and downstairs to the kitchen. He picked up the phone, putting it to his ear, hoping that it really is Frank that’s calling.

“Hello, hello?” Gerard said.

“Gerard?” a familiar voice replied. Gerard knew at that moment that it was Frank’s, which made him smile.

“Hi, Frank. Hi,” Gerard said happily.

“Hi, Gerard!” Frank responded joyously. “How are you?”

“I’m doing good. What about you?”

“Oh, I’m doing good too. Especially since I’m talking to you now,”

“Same here. What are you doing?” Gerard asked. Upstairs, he could hear Lindsey playing her harp.

“Oh, not much. Just eating lunch,” Frank replied.

“What are you eating?”

“Oh, I’m having a sandwich and carrot sticks,”

“What kind of sandwich?” Gerard asked.

“Turkey with avocado, cheese, tomato, and mayo on wheat bread,” Frank replied, which immediately made Gerard feel hungry again. He figured that he should just make some instant ramen noodles again.

“Oh, that sounds good,” he said.

“Yeah, it’s yummy. You’re talking a little more clear now. That’s good,”

“Yeah, my doctor upped my meds. They’re making me feel really groggy,”

“Well, that’s a sacrifice you gotta make. It seems like you’ve been doing better,” Frank said truthfully.

“Yeah, I’ve been feeling better lately,” Gerard smiled.

“Again, that’s good. Just know that all those voices you’re hearing are just friendly voices. No one’s out to get you. No one wants to hurt you, Gerard. Remember that,”

Gerard didn’t know how to respond to this. There was always the risk that the voices could come back if he ever were to relapse, God forbid. He was also afraid that the spies might still be looking for him, as well as the chance that he’ll experience other hallucinations. But he decided to put those worries on the backburner. Right now he wanted to focus on talking to Frank. Gerard looked up at the calendar, which was on the page of April. Gerard noticed that his twenty-eighth birthday is coming up in a few days. He never really thought about his birthday being right around the corner. He was too far out of his mind for far too long.

“My birthday is coming up. It’s on the ninth,” Gerard said to Frank.

“Oh, really? You gonna do anything special?” Frank asked.

“Not that I know of,” Gerard replied. He was kinda bummed out that his birthday will most likely just be another ordinary day...but who knows? For his birthday last year, Lindsey and Mikey threw Gerard a surprise birthday party, and he loved it, even though not many people came. Aside from Lindsey and Mikey, the other people that attended were Devin and Ray, Gerard’s best friend from high school.

“Oh, well hopefully you find something to do. After all, it is your birthday,” Frank said. Gerard heard a faint noise in the background. It sounded like someone talking. “Hey Gerard, I gotta go. My mom wants me to do the laundry,”

“Oh, okay. Talk to you later?” Gerard replied.

“Yeah, definitely. We’ll keep in touch. Bye,”

Gerard heard Frank hang up, and was greeted with the sound of a long ring, indicating that no one was on the other end. He set the phone down, smiling to himself. He realized that he was getting closer with Frank as each day went by. He hoped it would keep up.

Gerard suddenly thought about what happened the other night when he suddenly lost consciousness when he was with Lindsey. He didn’t wanna have it happen again. He really hated how these meds made him feel. If only there was a way to make it all stop...


	8. Chapter 7: I've Got The Mood That Seems To Bury You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you're all liking the fic so far. Like I said before, I'd like to chat with all of you in the comments! This chapter here is sweet and fluffy, for the most part. I will say that things will get intense in the next chapter. Enjoy!

(Three days later)

Gerard didn’t take his medication before going to bed for the past couple of days. Lindsey asked him to, and he would pretend to get his pills out, but when she wasn’t looking, Gerard would put the pill bottles back in the medicine cabinet. As a result, he had an easier time getting out of bed from that point on since he wasn’t so groggy. But there was something wrong. He felt...off, which was sort of an understatement. He began to think that something bad was gonna happen to him, but what exactly was it, he asked himself.

Gerard went downstairs to get ready to eat breakfast since Lindsey called him, telling him his food is ready. Today is was blueberry crepes and bacon. Gerard has always been very fond of crepes, so he knew breakfast was gonna be good today, and of course, it was. After finishing his second cup of coffee, he did the dishes. As he put the last of them away, Mikey walked up to him.

“Hey, hey, Mikey. Hi, Mikey. Hello, hello. I saw that the neighbors went up in the sky and didn’t come back because the ground was on fire, but it didn’t hurt,” Gerard said, smiling. Before going to bed, he looked through his window to see people floating upwards into the sky, much like a balloon would. He also saw fire on the ground. Mikey knew immediately something was wrong with Gerard. He was repeating himself and talking fast again, and talking in word salads.

“Gerard...have you been taking your meds?” Mikey asked.

“Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Gerard replied, lying. He didn’t want anyone to find out that he hasn’t been taking his medication lately. He didn’t want anyone to give him a hard time and make him take them. He didn’t wanna feel like a zombie at all.

“Are you telling me the truth?” Mikey questioned, giving Gerard a skeptical look.

“Yeah, yeah. I am. Yeah, I am, Mikey. Yeah, I am,” Gerard said quickly.

“Oh...okay,” Mikey shrugged. “Happy birthday, by the way,”

Gerard suddenly realized what day it was after what Mikey told him. He completely forgot that today was his birthday. His mind has been drifting away so much that he forgot about what day it was today.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m twenty-seven today. I’m turning twenty-seven,” Gerard replied.

“Gerard...you’re actually twenty-eight now. Are you sure you’re taking your meds?” Mikey asked. Now he was starting to get worried about Gerard’s decline in his mental state. He had to tell Lindsey soon.

“Yes, yeah, yeah. I am,” Gerard said. Mikey couldn’t help but notice the strong and insulting stench of body odor coming from Gerard. His hair was also really greasy. It was obvious that Gerard hasn’t bathed in a while.

“I think you should take a bath, Gerard. You smell bad,” Mikey said.

“Oh, okay, okay, okay. I will. The water burns me because when I get in it, the lights move around and later fade out. My eyes then radiate, and they turn outwards, because the ceiling spreads out,” Gerard rambled. Now Mikey was really concerned. But he also had plans for Gerard that he didn’t want him to know about til he finds out later when they get home. Mikey wanted to get Gerard out of the house to drive to the cemetery to visit Donna’s grave, while Lindsey “ran errands”. Mikey and Lindsey had big plans for Gerard when he gets home later, and they both had to keep it a secret.

“Also, Gerard...you should dress nice today. You and I are gonna visit mom while Lindsey runs errands,” said Mikey.

“Oh, okay, okay. Okay,” Gerard nodded, walking out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room. He went into the bathroom, starting up the tub. As he waited, he decided to look out the window to check if there were any spies nearby. He looked around outside, and thankfully didn’t see any. By the time he was done looking, the tub was filled up enough to his liking, and he shut the water off. He got inside and began to bathe himself, starting with washing his hair, scrubbing it with shampoo. He suddenly didn’t feel right. His left eye was hurting for some reason. He might have gotten some soap in it, he thought to himself.

“There’s maggots growing in your eye. They’re laying their eggs,” said one of the voices, which was Patrick. Gerard immediately brushed this off, not believing something so preposterous, despite his mental state. He continued to bathe, thinking of why one of the voices would say such a thing…

_ _ _  
After bathing, Gerard remembered to dress nice. He put on a black button down shirt, black dress pants, black leather shoes, and a bright red tie. After he got dressed, he headed downstairs, where Mikey was doing some sit ups, despite being in some nice clothes, which consisted of a white button down shirt, blue tie, and black pants. When Mikey saw Gerard, he stood up.

“Ready to go?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I am, I am,” Gerard replied.

“Cool. Let’s go,”

Mikey and Gerard walked out the front door and to Mikey’s Honda Civic. They got in, and then Mikey backed out of the driveway. As Mikey drove, he turned on the radio, which played a song that Gerard liked, which was Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. Gerard sang along like no one was watching him.

_ _ _  
Mikey and Gerard stopped at the florist to buy a bouquet of lilies. After that, Mikey drove for about ten minutes til they arrived at the Broadview cemetery. They both got out and entered through the gates. They walked for about a few minutes until they came up to a small tombstone with Donna’s full name on it. It also had her birth and death date on it, and under it was a Bible verse. Gerard, who was holding the flowers, set them down in front of his and Mikey’s mother’s grave. Gerard had a forlorn look on his face, knowing that Donna has been gone for so long.

“Hi, mommy. Me-me-me and Mikey have come to see you. Today’s my birthday. My birthday is today. We’ve come to see you again,” he said, feeling his eyes tear up, and he welcomed those tears.

“I’m sure your mom would be proud of you and would want you to be with you for your birthday,” Mikey said.

“I know, I know, I know. She would be happy. She’d be happy,” Gerard replied. At that moment, his eyes became wet with tears. It was hard seeing his mom buried, even though her death was several years ago. He was excited to have a baby brother when Donna announced that she was pregnant with her third child, but when Mikey was born, she tragically lost her life. It was so hard for Gerard to see his mom’s body in a casket at the funeral, and even harder for him to see her being lowered into the ground.

Mikey walked up to Gerard’s side and wrapped his arm around his shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. He knew it was an appropriate time for Gerard to cry, and he wanted to be there for him.

“It’s okay to cry, Gerard. You have every right to. If only Lindsey were here,” he said.

“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. Why did she have to die, Mikey? It’s not fair she died,” Gerard cried.

“Sometimes, bad things happen to those we love. That’s just how life is. It is totally unfair what happened to her, but now we must go on without her,” Mikey replied.

“I know, but...I miss her!” Gerard said, crying harder as he turned to Mikey, taking him into a hug. Mikey welcomed this, holding his brother tightly as he cried. Mikey just hoped that Gerard will be happy later when they both get home.

_ _ _  
After spending time at the cemetery with their mom, Gerard and Mikey headed home. They both got out and walked up the steps to the front door. Gerard suddenly had a feeling that something was gonna happen, something good for once in a long time. But what is it exactly?

Mikey opened up the door, letting Gerard in. They walked into the house, where all the lights were turned out. They both quietly walked into the kitchen, and when they did, the light there was turned on, where Gerard saw a lot of people he knew, as well as Lindsey, in front of a cake on the dining table, as well as birthday decorations hanging from the walls.

“Surprise!” they all exclaimed. Gerard knew exactly what was going on; some people that cared for him threw him a surprise birthday party. Gerard saw that his best friend from high school, Ray Toro, was there. Next to him was someone that made Gerard so happy to see, and that person was Frank. A huge smile spread across Gerard’s face, not only because some people he cares about threw him a party, but also because Frank was here to celebrate a special day with him.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Gerard. Happy birthday to you!” sang Lindsey, Frank, Mikey, and Ray. They then all applauded as Gerard walked up closer to them, a smile still on his face. He began to laugh in a somewhat unsettling way.

“A surprise party? For me? You shouldn’t have…,” Gerard said, hugging Lindsey, then giving her a kiss.

“Of course, baby. I wasn’t running errands. Me, Ray, and Frank were all getting the party ready. We got you a chocolate and vanilla marble cake, your favorite!” Lindsey replied. “Why don’t we have some now after you blow out the candles?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m gonna blow out the candles and eat some cake. Yeah, gotta blow out the candles,” Gerard replied.

“Good. I’ll get the candles out,” Lindsey said as she went to the kitchen counter to take the candles out of the small packages. That’s when Ray and Frank walked up to Gerard.

“Happy birthday, Gerard. Can’t believe it. You’re twenty-eight now,” Ray said. Ray was a high functioning autistic that was very intelligent. He knew the order of every president, the years they were in the white house, and knew most of their favorite foods, as well as their birthdays. He also played guitar very well. When he and Gerard were in high school, Gerard would frequently come over to Ray’s house to watch him play, as well as play video games together on Ray’s Atari gaming console. He was devastated when he heard about his best friend being diagnosed with schizophrenia a couple years after they both graduated from high school. Despite that though, Ray was there to be supportive for him.

“Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much,” Gerard smiled. He then turned to Frank, and they both smiled at each other.

“Happy birthday, Gee,” Frank said, smiling. “Lindsey came to my house and told me she was throwing a surprise birthday party for you, so I figured I’d go,’

“Thank you for coming, Frank. You came for my birthday. Thank you, thank you,” Gerard replied. He suddenly didn’t feel right. His eye was still hurting, and it’s been getting worse. Gerard didn’t want that to interfere with his special day.

Lindsey came back with the candles, one shaped like a 2, and the other shaped as an 8. She put them on the cake, then lit them. She turned to Gerard.

“Make a wish, Gerard. Don’t tell anyone,” she sang. Gerard walked up to the cake, thinking what his birthday wish will be this year. Last year, it was to get some paintings of his sold, and sure enough, it came true. He wanted this wish to count like the last one did. He soon realized what he wanted. He wanted to be happy, and stay that way. Gerard leaned forward, blowing out the two candles. Everyone around him cheered and applauded as Lindsey got the knife ready to cut the cake.


	9. Chapter 8: I've Got The Nightmare Called Schizophrenia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SOME INTENSE BLOOD AND GORE

After Gerard and the others ate cake, Gerard began to open up presents from the people that attended the party. From Mikey, he got a new set of paintbrushes and palettes. From Ray, a mug with cats on it. From Lindsey, a t-shirt of The Smiths. Now, Gerard had to open his last gift, which was from Frank. It was in a medium sized package with black wrapping paper with skulls on it. Frank sat beside Gerard on the couch as he tore off the wrapping paper, revealing a white box. He opened it up, which contained a black sweater that said “Morrissey” on it, written with white letters. Gerard smiled from ear to ear, hugging Frank.

“Thank you, Frank. I love it! I love it, I like it, Frank,” Gerard said as Frank hugged him back.

“No problem, Gee. I know you like Morrissey a lot, so I figured it’d be the perfect gift for you,” Frank replied as Frank let go of Gerard.

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It’s great. Yeah, I love it,” Gerard replied. He suddenly didn’t feel right again. The sore he was feeling in his eye was growing worse. He wanted to see what was wrong with it in the bathroom. “I’ll be right back, yeah,” he said as he stood up, making his way upstairs to the bathroom. When he walked in, he turned the light on and looked in the mirror, he gasped when he saw what was wrong with his eye. When he pulled down his lower lid, he found a series of small maggot eggs pocketed under his eye. The whites of the eye itself was crimson red and swollen, with bits of dried blood around it. Gerard nearly screamed, panicking.

“We told you maggots were growing in your eye. You need to do something about it. You have to get rid of your eye, or else it’ll get worse,” said one of the voices in Gerard’s head, which was Patrick. Gerard was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, hyperventilating. He knew what he had to do. He ran out of the bathroom and to his room, pulling out a switchblade knife he secretly bought from a weapon store some time ago. He ran back to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror again. What he was about to do was really gonna hurt, but he had to do it so that the maggots wouldn’t spread. He opened up the knife and brought it up to his eye, slowly digging it into the bottom lid of his eye where the maggot eggs were. When he did, they all began to hatch, and baby maggots began to squirm all around his eye as he drew blood. The blood dripped from his eye as he yelped in immense pain. That’s when he grabbed a washcloth near the sink, putting it in his mouth to bite on as he attempted to cut his eye out. His cries and screams were muffled as he dug the knife deeper into his eye socket, blood oozing down his cheek. As Gerard wiggled around the knife to get his eye out, more blood spurted from the open wound. When the eye began to protrude from it’s correct place, he heard a knock on the door.

“Gerard? Are you okay in there?” a female voice said, which was undoubtedly Lindsey’s. Gerard struggled to hold back his cries and whimpers of pain, and when Lindsey walked in, her skin went ghostly white as she nearly screamed.

“Lindsey, there’s maggots in my eye. Maggots are hatching in my eye. Gotta get it out. Maggots are growing in my eye, growing,” Gerard rambled hysterically.

“Gerard...what the fuck did you do to your eye?” Lindsey nearly exclaimed, still in utter shock. She knew at this point that Gerard was way out of his mind and had to be sent back to the psych ward. There was just nothing she could do help him. He needed help...badly. At that moment, Ray, Mikey, and Frank walked up the stairs, and when they all saw what Gerard did to his eye, they all gasped.

“Jesus Christ!” Mikey yelled. “What did you do, Gerard?” Beside him, Frank screamed and ran away, crying. The sight of a lot of blood and gore frightened him, and now, he was left traumatized. Ray walked up to Frank to try to comfort him as Mikey and Lindsey stood in disbelief.

“Gerard, I’m gonna have to take you to the hospital. You hurt yourself,” Lindsey said shakily. She reached forward, grabbing the knife from Gerard, who was bordering on being in a catatonic state due to the immense amount of voices he was hearing in his head, as well as the static being heard in his ears and his vision warping again. He had completely left reality at this point. Linsey took Gerard’s hand and helped him downstairs, then walked him out to her car as Mikey grabbed some towels for all the blood on Gerard’s face and wound in his eye. He gave them to Gerard, who didn’t grab them. He just sat there, rocking back and forth in his seat as Lindsey buckled his seatbelt. She then got in the driver’s seat after Mikey got settled in the back next to Gerard, and she drove off to the nearest hospital. Gerard could still hear the voices echo in his head, ranging from insults to complete nonsense.

_ _ _  
After the doctors operated on Gerard’s eye after sedating him, which made him a nervous wreck since he hated needles, Lindsey and Mikey walked into Gerard’s room in the emergency room. They were told by one of the nurses that Gerard will be psychiatrically evaluated, and that there was a good chance that he had to be sent to a psychiatric hospital and stay there until his mental state improves since he tried to hurt himself in the midst of a psychotic episode. When Lindsey and Mikey got to Gerard’s room, they found him asleep in the hospital bed, his arm hooked up to an IV. They saw that Gerard also had a patch of gauze taped over his eye that he mutilated. The doctors were thankfully able to salvage the eye, and had to give Gerard stitches for it that had to be removed some time later. Lindsey just about broke down when she saw Gerard, trying her best to hold back tears as Mikey held her.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do with Gerard anymore. He’s been getting worse. I thought that his increased dosage of his medication would help. I’m just about at my rope’s end with him. I’m gonna have to have him be sent to live in a state hospital again,” she said, sniffling. When Gerard was twenty-three, he was sent to Staten Island State Hospital when his psychosis worsened. He stayed there for two years, and was released when his mental state improved, but of course, he ended up relapsing a year later.

“We’ll see how he does when he’s sent to the psych ward. He probably just needs his meds changed again,” Mikey replied. At that moment, a man with glasses and a clipboard walked in. He looked to be somewhere in his early thirties.

“Hi, I’m Patrick. I’m the social worker that’s gonna be evaluating Gerard,” he said.

“Oh, alright. I’ll wake him up,” Lindsey said, wiping at her eyes. She walked up to Gerard’s bedside, shaking his shoulder. Gerard groaned, squinting his uninjured eye as he woke up.

“Where-where-where am I? Where did I go?” Gerard asked.

“You’re in the hospital, Gerard. You hurt yourself. You need to be evaluated. We’re gonna step out for a bit, then we’ll be back when the social worker is done,” Lindsey replied. She kissed Gerard’s forehead, then her and Mikey walked out of his room. Patrick pulled up a chair from the corner of the room and sat down.

“Hello, Gerard. I’m Patrick Stump. I’m one of the social workers here, and I’m here to evaluate you to see if you need to be admitted as an inpatient at a mental treatment center. Can you tell me what brought you here?” he asked Gerard, who knew all too well what was happening. He was gonna be sent back to the psych ward, a place he’s too familiar with based on the countless amount of times he’s been in one. This made Gerard infuriated.

“I’m not crazy! They made me go back! They will rip you off, sister! They don’t know a goddamn thing!” he rambled.

“Gerard, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t speak to me that way. I’m only here to help you, and I don’t believe you’re crazy. You just need help,” Patrick said firmly.

“I gotta get my nine dollars back! Contact your supervisor and tell them I put a dollar on this goddamn bus!” Gerard yelled, making Patrick jump back a little. He was already having a rough day evaluating a variety of suicidal and psychotic patients, and dealing with Gerard, who’s clearly the worst Patrick has dealt with so far, wasn’t making that day any better at all. Gerard was rambling about being on a bus because while he was sleeping after being sedated, he dreamt that he was on a bus and got ripped off by the driver.

“Gerard, you need to calm down--”

“Gerald R. fucking Ford went on this bus! Gerald R. damn Ford!”

Patrick knew at this point that it was a waste of time trying to talk to Gerard. He knew his job here was done, and that he also had to send in someone to monitor Gerard in case he ever grows physically hostile. He sighed deeply, taking notes about Gerard on his clipboard.

“Gerard, it’s clear that you need to be hospitalized. I’ll make calls to some places, and hopefully soon we can find a bed for you. Good luck,” Patrick said, standing up. He walked out and spoke with the nurse, telling her that Gerard needs to be watched after. The nurse called one of the techs on her work phone, sending one down to room 51. Not long after that, a female tech arrived, making her way into the room where Gerard was. She was told by the nurse to just ignore Gerard if he starts talking in word salads, but to also try to calm him down if he ever gets aggressive. She sat down in the corner of the room, looking down at her phone, texting. Gerard looked over at the girl, thinking that she’d want to have a conversation with him. He was angry at the fact that he now has to be psychiatrically hospitalized...again. He figured it would be a good idea for him to vent to her.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it. They wanna take me out of the building and send me to the lab. They wanna put me in front of a terrible, ugly beast. They’d be stalking me whenever I get off the bus,” Gerard said. The tech didn’t respond; she just kept texting. Gerard frowned, thinking that no one would want to talk to him, but honestly, he couldn’t blame her. He wouldn’t want to talk to someone like himself either. At that moment, Lindsey and Mikey walked back in, and they both sat down at Gerard’s bedside. Lindsey carded her fingers through Gerard’s messy hair, kissing him.

“Gerard...you’re gonna be going away for a while. You need to get help. We want this to all end. We want you to be well, because you’re very, very sick,” Lindsey whispered.

“Don’t let them hurt me. I don’t wanna go. They’ll hurt me, they’ll hurt me til I’m dead,” Gerard whined.

“I’ll never let them hurt you, Gee...I promise,” Lindsey replied. “We gotta go now. Mikey has work soon. I promise I’ll visit you when you get to the hospital,”

“Bye Gerard. Get well, okay?” Mikey said as he and Lindsey stood up, leaving the room. This immediately made Gerard upset. He didn’t want Lindsey or Mikey to leave. He was honestly terrified of what’s yet to come at the psych hospital since he’s had nothing but bad experiences at those kinds of places. From being restrained and sedated to being sent to the padded solitary confinement room, he didn’t want to go through all of it again. He knew at that moment that his birthday wish didn’t come true this year.

“Lindsey!” Gerard cried out, tears running from his eyes as he weakly reached out. “Mikey, Lindsey!”

Gerard soon came to the realization that Mikey and Lindsey weren’t coming back. He was gonna have to be all alone with his fears. Quietly, and without much complaint, he despaired.


	10. Chapter 9: I Cry, And I Cry, And I Don't Know Why

(Eleven days later)

Gerard has been staying at Harmony Psychiatric Hospital for a while, and has barely made any progress since he was admitted. He was seen by a psychiatrist, named Dr. Weekes, who prescribed Gerard a high dose of Xanax on top of his other medication, and as a result, Gerard was bordering on being in a vegetative state. He would never come out of his room to eat or go to group therapy, and frequently urinated all over himself as he laid in his bed, drooling as he stared up at the ceiling. Staring at the ceiling and sleeping were the only two things Gerard would do all day, on top of rambling to himself, and occasionally shouting. He lost track of all the times he needed to be sedated and sent to the “quiet room”, as the staff called it. Mikey and Lindsey would occasionally visit him, but due to Gerard’s almost mentally lifeless state, they didn’t ever stay for very long since they couldn’t talk to him. It was obvious to the both of them that Gerard was gonna be staying at Harmony for a while, especially since he’s in the acute unit, where the more severe cases stay.

Someone walked into Gerard’s room after knocking on the door. It was Haley, one of the therapy counselors. She knew about the state Gerard was in, and has been trying to get Gerard to join therapy and eat his food at meal times, but to no avail. She wasn’t ready to give up, though. It was her job to get the patients to participate as much as possible.

“Morning, Gerard. I’d like to have you come to group,” she said. Gerard looked over at her, drool still running from his lips. He figured that he should go to group this time. He knew all too well that the more you skip group, the longer you stay. Gerard wanted to get out, but his body was too drained due to the potency of his medication. He had to force himself out of bed from now on if he wanted to be discharged soon. He slowly brought himself up, sitting up in bed before he stood up. He felt incredibly dizzy from the medication, but he knew he’d be able to walk it off. Haley smiled at him.

“Good, Gerard. See you in group,” Haley said, walking out. Gerard also walked out, but slowly and zombie-like. He made his way down the hall to the group room, where some of the other patients sat in a circle. Gerard took the empty seat next to a man with facial hair and long black hair. Haley walked into the room, with a clipboard in her hand. She sat down as well, crossing her legs.

“Well, good morning everyone. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Haley, and I’m one of the therapists here at Harmony. I’m gonna have the each of you guys introduce yourselves. I want each of you to say your name, how you’re feeling on a scale of one to ten, one being really bad, and ten being fantastic, and I also want everyone to tell us what your goal is for the day, and your favorite color. Who would like to start us off?” Haley asked. Beside her, a hand shot up, which came from a guy with semi long brown hair. Haley smiled at him.

“Hi, I’m Ryan. On a scale of one to ten, I’m at a seven. My goal for today is to do my laundry, and my favorite color is green,” he said.

“Thank you, Ryan. Pete, you wanna go next?” Haley asked, asking the man next to Ryan. He was pale and had a black emo haircut.

“My name’s Pete. I’m feeling like a four today. My goal today is to try to stay positive, and my favorite color is red,” he said glumly.

“Okay, thanks. That’s a really good goal, Pete,” Haley said with a smile. She turned to a tall guy in the circle, who also had brown hair, but it was styled differently. “Brendon?”

“Y-yeah! I’ll g-go n-next,” Brendon said with a stutter in his voice. Gerard couldn’t help but notice a slur in his voice, much like how it is with Frank. “H-hello everyone. I’m B-brendon, I’m at a-a t-ten today. M-my goal is to m-make a n-new f-friend, and m-my favorite c-color is b-blue,”

“Thank you, Brendon,” Haley said. She then turned to the black-haired guy sitting next to Gerard. “Bert?”

“This is bullshit,” Bert scoffed.

“You think so?” Haley said, smiling a little, despite what Bert just told her. She then turned to Gerard. “Gerard?”

Gerard slowly looked up. He really didn’t feel like talking to anyone. He hadn’t spoken to anyone in days. But he knew he had to fully participate in group so that he can get out of the hospital as soon as possible.

“I’m Gerard. I’m at a one. My favorite color is black, and my goal is to get out of here,” he said.

“Why are you at a one? What do you think you can do to feel better? Also, you need to set a goal you can accomplish today. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. It can be as simple as taking a shower or reading,” Haley responded.

“Stupid. Tell them to repaint the goddamn car and get the fuck off me. Repaint the fucking police car. Fucking ambalamps and all that shit. Transportation fucking garbage,” Gerard spat. The other night, he had a dream about repainting police cars, and this was the reason he was rambling about it. He also had the same dream about being on the bus, as well as on an airplane.

“Gerard, you can’t talk like that--”

“Repaint the goddamn pigs on top of the car. They had three and fucking eleven, okay? We got off that airplane when he left! We came off that goddamn airplane! He told us to go an hour after he left! That guy punked us into aisle eleven. This motherfucking shit had a problem! Gonna get my nine dollars! You are gonna get your nine dollars today for public transportation, yes you are. I paid nine dollars!” Gerard yelled. Haley, as well as everyone else in the group started to feel uncomfortable, except for Bert, who was laughing. Haley gave Gerard a “you really need help” look. At that moment, one of the attendees, named Gabe, walked in to see what the commotion was about.

“What’s going on, Haley?” he asked.

“Gerard’s freaking out. I think he needs to be put in confinement again to calm down,” Hayley replied.

“Okay, I’ll get the nurse,” Gabe said, walking away. Haley dismissed the group session early, and everyone but Gerard walked out of the room.

“They keep doing that garbage outta that fucking locker! I got off that airplane, it was eleven! He got it on the police car! They set up all that garbage when we left!” Gerard continued while Hayley waited for the nurse to arrive. Tell them to repaint the goddamn police car, because I got the goddamn money! The fucking airplane and went in that locker!” Gerard yelled, louder this time. At that moment, a nurse, as well as Gabe, walked in the room and up to Gerard.

“What’s going on, Gerard? Why are you so upset?” asked the nurse, kneeling down to face Gerard.

“Repaint the car, keep walking! And then sit over there arguing, and sitting there trying to get some paperwork done!” Gerard exclaimed. The nurse sighed.

“We need to send him to the quiet room so that he can calm down. I’m also gonna give him 500 ccs,” she said, turning to Gabe. Together, her and Gabe lifted Gerard up from his chair, walking him out of the room.

“We study blowing a horn on you! Study blowing a horn on you! Study blowing a horn on you! Study blowing a horn over! Study lining up cars!” Gerard yelled as the nurse and attendee walked him to the quiet room near the nurse’s station. Once they arrived, they opened the door and sat Gerard down on the padded floor. The nurse walked away to get Gerard’s sedative while Gabe sat with him.

“The nurse is gonna give you something to calm down, okay? That should help you,” he said.

“I ain’t done nothing to the public transportation! And I put my nine dollars, Ikea. Paid nine dollars to do it. Can’t even get home!” Gerard screamed. “I paid nine dollars today, six dollars a pop right off the Metro! Then you talk about putting in another dollar, then another thirty-five cents, another thirty-five cents, another sixty-five cents, give my back my goddamn money!”

As Gerard continued to rant and rave, the nurse walked back in with a syringe, a cotton ball doused with peroxide, and a band-aid. She knelt down to Gerard, wiping the top of his right arm with the cotton ball, then injected the Haldol into him while he wasn’t looking, which made him yell in pain. After the nurse injected him, she rubbed at the small dot of blood on Gerard’s arm and put a band-aid on him. Gerard continued to rant and rave until he soon became light-headed. He laid on the floor, and soon enough, he slipped into unconsciousness, still hearing the many voices in his head.


	11. Chapter 10: The Fever Becomes My Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think a lot of you are gonna like this chapter. Just saying ^-^

(24 days later)

Gerard has been staying at Harmony for more than a month, and as the days went by, he finally made more progress towards getting better since he started shock therapy, which was recommended by Dr. Weekes. Gerard hated how the side effects of the therapy made him feel, as it made him even more zombie-like, but the more he went through with it, the more he got used to it. Today was the day that Gerard gets discharged, and he couldn’t wait to get home. He was excited to finally go home and see Lindsey, Mikey, and Frank. He wasn’t too thrilled about seeing his dad, though. If anything, he was afraid of him getting drunk and abusing him again. He made a note to himself to stay away from him.

As Gerard brought out his belongings from his room in paper bags, he set them down, then sat down as he waited for Lindsey to pick him up. When he was on the phone with her earlier, she told him that she’d arrive to pick him up in about ten minutes since she was already on her way. As he waited, someone familiar walked up to him. It was Brendon, someone that Gerard had managed to befriend, and was the only person he really talked to staying at Harmony. Brendon was an autistic that had the mindset of a six year old, despite being twenty-six. He would frequently throw temper tantrums, and was sent to the quiet room a handful of times since Gerard stayed in the hospital. One time, Brendon threw a fit because the staff wouldn’t let him draw on the walls. On some occasions when he was agitated, he would yell and swear at the staff and other patients, and had to be sedated pretty often as a result. Gerard was gonna miss Brendon, and he hoped that he can get out of Harmony soon.

“H-hi, Gerard!” Brendon said. “Y-you’re leaving t-today?”

“Yeah, I am. Finally,” Gerard laughed. Lately, Gerard has been able to speak more clearly from the shock therapy, and his psychotic symptoms were greatly subdued from it, as well as his increased medication.

“B-but...who am I-I gonna t-talk to? Everyone h-here d-doesn’t like m-me!” Brendon whined.

“You don’t know that. You should just go up to them and start a conversation and see what happens. I’m sure you’ll make friends with someone here like you did with me,” Gerard replied.

“I g-guess you’re r-right. I’ll t-try,” Brendon said. At that moment, Lindsey walked through the entrance after one of the attendees punched in a code to let her in. She walked up to Gerard and smiled.

“You ready to go, Gee?” she asked. She was happy to see Gerard improving immensely, so much that Lindsey felt like she was talking to Gerard before his diagnosis years ago.

“Yeah, I am. Get me the hell outta here,” Gerard laughed. He turned to Brendon, smiling at him.

“Good luck, Brendon. Keep your head up high,” he said. Brendon suddenly leapt forward, hugging Gerard, making him jump a little.

“B-bye bye, Gerard. I’m g-gonna miss y-you!” Brendon said. Gerard hugged him back gently.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Brendon. Hopefully you can leave this place soon. I’ll keep you in my thoughts,” Gerard said as he let go of Brendon. Brendon waved goodbye to Gerard, then walked off after saying bye again. Gerard then headed out with Lindsey to the elevator with his belongings after being checked out of Harmony. Gerard told himself that today embarks a new beginning for him.

_ _ _  
After Gerard got home and unpacked, he ate dinner, which consisted of taco casserole and chips with guacamole that Lindsey made. After that, he went to his room to work on his painting of Frank. While painting, he began to think of the beautiful man he was painting. It’s been a while since they last saw each other. He figured it would be a good idea to hang with him again. He certainly didn’t want him to come over to his house, fearing that Donald might cause a scene in the midst of a drunken stupor. Gerard wanted to make sure Frank wasn’t afraid of him after what happened on the day of his birthday. He didn’t know what he’d do if he was afraid of him…

Gerard stepped out of his room and put his hoodie on, then headed outside. He walked across the street to the Iero house, walked up the steps, and rang the doorbell. He waited, hoping that it would be Frank that would answer. It felt like an eternity before the door opened, and there Frank was, right in front of Gerard. However, something was different and not right. Frank wasn’t standing. He was in a wheelchair. Gerard couldn’t help but feel his heart break.

“Frank...what happened to you?” Gerard asked.

“Gerard...I can’t walk anymore. It’s been getting harder for me to walk. It’s only gonna get worse from this point on. Soon I won’t be able to do anything for myself. My doctor thinks I have muscular dystrophy. I’m sorry…,” Frank replied, his face holding a forlorn look. Gerard was at a loss of words. One of his only friends is slowly fading away, and there was nothing he could do about it. As soon as he started to get better, Frank grew weaker.

“Frank...you don’t have to apologize for anything. It’s not your fault,” Gerard said.

“I know, but...I still feel guilty. I hate that you have to see me like this,” Frank replied as he began to cry. Gerard felt so awful for Frank that it began to make him cry as well, and he didn’t even attempt to hold back his tears.

“Frank...you’re beautiful just the way you are, unable to walk or not,” Gerard said shakily as tears ran from his eyes. He meant every last word he said. He was able to look past Frank’s flaws and still care for him no matter what. When Frank heard what Gerard said, he looked up at him in shock.

“You...you think so?”

“Yes, Frank. I mean it. I don’t care if you can’t walk anymore. You’re still the sweet and loveable Frank I’ve always known since we first met,”

“Oh, Gerard…,” Frank said, crying harder. Gerard knelt down and wrapped his arms around him, holding him as he cried. Gerard felt his eyes sting even more as he continued to cry harder as well.

“It’s okay, Frank. I’m here,” he said to Frank. That’s when Frank looked up at him, his eyes raw with tears.

“Thank you,” he smiled. “You wanna come inside?”

“Sure,” Gerard replied. Gerard followed Frank as he wheeled himself down to his room. They both got inside, and Gerard sat down on Frank’s bed.

“So, Gerard...what do you wanna do?” Frank asked.

“I dunno,” Gerard shrugged. “How about we watch a movie?”

“Sure, what movie? You can look through my DVDs,”

“Okay,”

Gerard walked over to the DVD and CD rack in the corner of Frank’s room, browsing through the many movies he had. He looked through them until he found one that sparked his interest, which was Donnie Darko. Gerard loved this movie, and he remembered first watching it not long after it came out back in the early 2000’s. He picked up the copy, holding it up to Frank.

“How about this one?” Gerard asked.

“Oh, Donnie Darko? That’s a good one. We can watch that,” Frank said, grabbing the movie and putting the DVD in the player. He turned it on, as well as the TV, and pushed play. As the movie started, Gerard laid down on the bed, with Frank beside him sitting in his wheelchair. As they watched the movie, Gerard suddenly began to develop an odd feeling, and he doesn’t ever recall feeling it before...and it had to do with Frank. Gerard wanted to be physically closer to Frank, but that would be kinda hard since he’s now wheelchair-bound. Still, Gerard wanted to hold Frank close to him…

“Hey, Gerard...can I tell you something?” Frank asked.

“What’s that?” Gerard replied.

“You’ve been speaking a lot more clearer. You’re not repeating yourself or not making any sense when you talk,” Frank commented.

“Oh, yeah...I was in the psych ward after...that incident” Gerard said hesitantly. He hoped at being at Harmony would be the last time he ever goes to the psych ward.

“It sounds like you got some help. I’m proud of you,” Frank smiled at Gerard.

“Oh...thanks,” Gerard said shakily, the feeling within him growing stronger after he saw Frank smile at him. He just had to let it all out and tell Frank the whole unfiltered truth.

“What’s wrong?” Frank asked.

“Oh...nothing,” Gerard said, deciding to bite his tongue. He was afraid of making Frank feel uncomfortable. He really didn’t wanna make a move that he would end up regretting. He couldn’t afford to make Frank feel that way anymore, especially after what happened on Gerard’s birthday.

“No, tell me. What’s on your mind?” Frank said. Gerard really had no choice at this point but to express how he was feeling. He just hoped Frank wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

“Frank...I want you closer to me,” Gerard finally admitted, his voice shaky. Frank furrowed his brow, which immediately made Gerard panic a little.

“What do you mean?” Frank asked.

“I want to...hold you,” Gerard stuttered. As soon as he was done speaking, Frank looked down, frowning.

“I...we can’t do that. I mean, look at me…,” he said. At that moment, Gerard had an idea.

“I know a way we can work around that,” Gerard replied.

“How?” Frank asked. Gerard stood up from the bed, walking up to Frank and slowly lifting him from his chair, cradling him as Frank looked up at him with a surprised look on his face, his hands holding on to Gerard. Gerard sat Frank on his lap, then helped him lie down, Frank’s body beside Gerard’s. Gerard wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. He heard Frank moan under his breath, snuggling himself up against Gerard, his face looking right at Gerard’s. Gerard carded his fingers through Frank’s long black hair, his eyes closed.

“You’re warm,” Frank whispered. Gerard looked down at him, smiling.

“You too, Frank,” he said, still stroking his hair. Suddenly, Gerard saw Frank’s eyes tear up, worrying him. “What’s wrong?”

“Gerard...do you really wanna know?” Frank asked.

“Yeah, I do. What’s up?” Gerard replied, wanting to know what was on Frank’s mind.

“Gerard...I…,” Frank paused, sighing. “Never mind,”

“Are you sure?” Gerard asked, his voice laced with worry.

“Yeah. I just don’t think now is a good time to say it,” Frank replied, looking down in guilt. “Just pretend I didn’t say anything,”

“If you say so, Frank. I don’t want to force you to say something you’re not ready to say,”

“Thanks, Gerard. One day I’ll tell you...but there is something you need to know,”

“What’s that?” Gerard asked.

“Gerard...when I first saw you, I instantly liked you. I didn’t care that you had issues. I’m no better. I just knew you needed help. It’s like we have grown this special connection to each other over time, and I want it to keep going, you know?” Frank admitted. Gerard’s eyes widened a bit. He didn’t know at all what Frank saw in him. Gerard knew that he was mentally ill, and for Frank to say that he was able to look past all that shocked him. But he liked what Frank had to say regardless. He knew at that moment what he had to do…

“Frank...there’s something I want to do,”

“What’s that?” Frank asked.

“If you’re not okay with it, just tell me, alright?”

“Oh, uh...alright--”

Gerard brought his lips to Frank’s, kissing him. At that moment, Frank moaned under his breath as he wrapped his arms around Gerard. Gerard and Frank kissed each other passionately like no one was watching them.


	12. Chapter 11: Lament

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: I apologize that this chapter is a little shorter than the other ones, but I think I ended it on a necessary note. I will say that this chapter does contain some pretty triggering content, so...be prepared.

By the time Frank and Gerard were done making out, the movie was over. It was getting late; it was almost seven, and Gerard knew he had to get going, or else suffer Donald’s wrath. Gerard helped Frank back into his wheelchair, and was about to leave after saying bye to him, but there was something he wanted to do before going home. He walked up to Frank, bent down to face him, and kissed him softly. They both smiled when they parted from each other.

“Damn, Gerard. You’re a good kisser,” Frank said with a light laugh.

“You too, Frank,” Gerard smiled again. “I should really get going. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah, call me whenever you want. Or, I can call you,”

“Alright, Frank. I’ll see you later,” Gerard said, waving bye to Frank as he left his room and walked out the door. He suddenly saw something that unnerved him, and it’s not the first time he’s seen it; Mikey was outside with only his underwear on, with Donald nearby hosing him down as Mikey tried backing away and curled up in a ball, telling his dad to stop as his body shivered immensely. Gerard felt his heart sink for his brother, and it didn’t help that it was nighttime, so poor Mikey must’ve been freezing his ass off.

“Dad, stop it!” Mikey yelled as the cold water doused his body.

“Come on, be a man, Mikey!” Donald said. “I don’t want a pussy in the family. I don’t want you to be like your brother,”

Gerard knew he had to step in. He couldn’t afford to stand by and watch Mikey suffer. He walked right up to Donald, feeling his blood boil.

“Cut it out, dad. He’s gonna freeze to death!” Gerard nearly yelled. Donald turned to him, the stench of whiskey on his breath.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Gerard. He needs to be a man!” he said aggressively.

“But you’re hurting him!” Gerard refuted.

“He needs to learn to be a man, unlike you. You’re a lost cause, Gerard. I’m not gonna have another pussy in this family!”

“Who the fuck cares? What you’re doing to Mikey is wrong. I mean, how the hell do you even live with yourself?” Gerard asked.

“Just get the fuck outta here before I put more bruises on you, okay?” Donald spat. Gerard ignored him, walking up to Mikey, getting a little wet in the process, but he didn’t care.

“Come on, Mikey. Let’s get you dried off. Don’t put up with this shit,” he said. He held out his hand to Mikey, and Mikey grabbed it, with Gerard helping him up to his feet as Mikey’s body continued to shiver. They both ran inside, with Donald still trying to hose down Mikey’s body, getting the carpet near the interior of the doorway wet as Gerard opened up the door, helping Mikey inside. Gerard slammed the door, walking with Mikey up to the bathroom. Once they got there, Gerard pulled out some towels from the cabinet, handing them to Mikey, who immediately began to dry himself. He sat down on the edge of the tub as he did so, and Gerard sat down next to him. He suddenly noticed something that made Gerard’s heart skip a beat. Mikey had fresh bruises all over his face, as well as red marks all over his neck.

“Mikey, what happened to your face?” he asked.

“What do you think? Who’s the person here that normally does this shit to us?” Mikey scoffed. Gerard knew right away what Mikey was talking about.

“Jesus Christ, Mikey...I’m sorry,” Gerard said.

“I just don’t get it. Dad wasn’t like this at all when mom was still alive. He always blames me for her dying, which is the reason why he likes to take his anger out on me. He does the same to you because you’re vulnerable, but at least you’re getting better. I can really see a difference,” Mikey replied.

“Yeah, I know. I just wish that dad would be proud of me for getting better, though. He doesn’t appreciate shit,”

“Yeah, tell me about it. One day his drinking is gonna be the death of him. Just you wait and see. It’ll come one day, and then you and Lindsey won’t have to put up with his bullshit anymore,”

“But what about you, Mikey? You’re a part of the family too,” Gerard said, confused as to why Mikey didn’t include himself.

“Gerard...I’d rather not talk about it. I’m gonna go to my room. Goodbye,” Mikey said, standing up with a towel wrapped around himself. He walked out, leaving Gerard by himself. Gerard sighed, not wanting to bug his brother. He stood up, walked to his room, and shut the door, hoping that Donald won’t take his anger out on him...again.

_ _ _  
Gerard woke up a little early today; it was quarter to seven on his alarm clock. He got out of bed and headed downstairs, the scent of pancake mix and sausages filling his nose. He walked into the kitchen to see Lindsey cooking breakfast again, with Donald at the table, reading the newspaper. Gerard went to the coffee brewer, pouring himself a cup, then walking to the fridge to put some half and half creamer in it. He poured some in, then took a sip of his coffee. He suddenly had that feeling that something wasn’t right, a feeling he was all too familiar with. But what could possibly go wrong, he asked himself. The sun outside is shining, he woke up this morning, and breakfast smells good. Maybe he’s just overthinking again, he said to himself.

“Breakfast is done, Gerard. Can you go get Mikey?” Lindsey asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Gerard said, setting down his coffee, then heading upstairs. He stopped in front of Mikey’s room, the door closed. He knocked on it lightly, but heard no response. He knocked again, a little louder this time.

“Mikey?” Gerard called out. “Breakfast is ready,”

Gerard still didn’t hear a response. He figured that Mikey is still sleeping. He opened up the door and walked in, but didn’t find Mikey in his bed. Now Gerard was starting to get worried.

“Mikey?” Gerard called out one last time. He suddenly turned and saw a note on the closet door. Gerard took it down and read it. It said only eight words.

I’m sorry, Gerard. I can’t take the pain...

Gerard felt his heart constrict a bit, but he had no idea what Mikey meant in this note. He opened up the closet door, and what he saw made him jump back. Mikey’s body was hanging in there, with a belt wrapped tightly around his neck, with a chair nearby. Gerard screamed, unlatching the belt from Mikey’s neck, carrying his body to the ground. His skin was so pale, and his lips were blue.

“Oh my god!” Gerard yelled. “Mikey, wake up, please! Wake up!” he exclaimed, shaking his brother’s unresponsive body. At this point, he knew what happened to his baby brother. Gerard wrapped his arms around Mikey’s corpse, holding him close as he cried out to God, but he began to think that God wasn’t even there. He didn’t even attempt to hold back his tears.

“Gerard?” Lindsey called out as she walked up the stairs and to Mikey’s room. When she saw Gerard holding Mikey’s body, she gasped. “What happened, Gerard?”

“Jesus Christ, Lindsey! He’s dead! Oh my god, he died!” Gerard cried hysterically.

“Wh-what? How did this happen?” Lindsey nearly yelled.

“He...he killed himself!” Gerard sobbed. Lindsey put her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide.

“Oh, my god…,” she said, tears filling up her eyes. She walked up to Gerard, bent down, and held him as they cried together over Mikey’s body. Gerard had never felt so betrayed in his whole life.


	13. Chapter 12: Sometimes I Give Myself The Creeps

(Four days later)

Mikey’s wake was supposed to start really soon, and Gerard could barely keep himself under control from crying. He spent the whole morning doing just that, from the moment he woke up all the way up to right now, standing outside of the funeral home. He spent a good chunk of his time crying over the past few days as well. Getting out of bed in the morning was a real challenge for him, and falling asleep at nighttime was just as difficult. Now, he has to see his deceased brother in a coffin, and later watch him be put six feet under right next to their mother that died when Gerard was only nine.

“Gerard?” Lindsey said, putting a comforting hand on Gerard’s shoulder as he wept outside, where everyone can see him. “The wake is starting. Are you ready to start saying your goodbyes to Mikey?”

“I’ll never be ready for that. Why did this have to happen? He wanted to be in the Olympics!” Gerard cried.

“I know, Gerard. I know. But you gotta understand that life goes on. Bad things happen, and the best we can do is rise above it all, you know? You’ve been improving immensely lately. You need to focus on yourself--”

“Fuck that!” Gerard yelled. “I don’t care if I get better or not! I want Mikey back! That’s all I want!”

“Gerard, you can’t say that. You need to get better so you can function in society. We’ve tried for years to get you better, and now, it’s finally happening,” Lindsey said defensively. She knew that this was all part of the normal process of mourning, and Gerard was currently experiencing the anger stage. Still, she had to reason with him.

“I don’t fucking care. Just do me a favor and leave me alone, okay?” Gerard said, walking away. He knew he had to go in and face something he didn’t want to, but he had to. He wanted to pay his respects to his late brother in the best way possible. He walked inside the funeral home, making a left turn after walking down the hall. Ahead of him was the wooden coffin, surrounded by pictures of Mikey, as well as many flowers. He had to swallow his pride and go in, and that’s just what he did. As he walked closer to the coffin, something familiar started to come back to Gerard, and it was at the worst time. He was hearing the voices talking to him again, multiple ones chattering, making a hybrid of incoherency.

“This is all your fault,” said Bert, laughing. “You killed him,”

“Shut up,” Gerard spat, turning a few heads nearby. Gerard didn’t care, though. He was too absorbed in his inner torment and immense grief. When he made it up to Mikey, he just about lost it. Mikey lied there in a black suit, his blondish-brown hair slicked back, and his face not wearing his thick-rimmed glasses, which was unusual. Gerard always thought that Mikey wearing his glasses made him stand out a bit, and found it insulting that the mortician decided to not have him wear them. Gerard grimaced, the sting of tears in his eyes strong.

“Why isn’t Mikey wearing his glasses?” he asked out loud as he cried, everyone hearing him. “Someone put his glasses on. He can’t see without them! Someone put on his glasses, please!”

“Gerard, calm down,” said a familiar voice. It was Lindsey, who was walking up behind Gerard. “I think you should step out to settle down,”

“Somebody put his glasses on!” Gerard repeated as Lindsey walked him away. He knew that he was bound to be stuck in a void of despair and sorrow for a long time.

_ _ _  
The rest of Mikey’s wake, as well as the funeral service, was really hard for Gerard to get through. He had to step out twice during the service, crying alone outside. The burial was just as unbearable for him, watching Mikey be put into the ground, where he will stay until the end of time. After that, Gerard, Lindsey, and Donald all went home. Gerard ran up to his room as soon as they got there and cried, his face buried in the pillow as his body laid under the covers. He began to assume that he will stay that way throughout the rest of the day, until he heard the phone ring downstairs. He knew at that moment who was calling; it had to be Frank, the perfect person to vent to right now. Gerard ran right out of bed and downstairs into the kitchen, picking up the phone immediately.

“Frank?”

“Hey, Gerard. What’s up?”

Gerard knew at this point that he had to spill the beans to Frank about all that happened a few days ago. He had to let it all out. He didn’t want someone to judge him; he wanted someone that will listen to him and let him release his frustrations from his mouth.

“Frank...Mikey’s dead,” he said.

“What? You mean your brother? What happened to him?” Frank asked, genuine shock in his voice.

“He...he took his own life. Hung himself in the closet,” Gerard said, his voice cracking as he started to cry.

“Are you serious? I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” Frank asked.

“Just talking to you helps. And being with you,” Gerard replied, hoping that Lindsey wasn’t hearing him. She shouldn’t be right now; not with the way Gerard is talking to Frank. He had slowly but surely started to develop an infatuation for Frank, and he had to keep it a secret, and if that secret becomes revealed to others, it’ll certainly lead to a disaster. Thankfully, Lindsey was napping right now, so Gerard was confident that he couldn’t be heard by her.

“Buttering me up, aren’t you? I think today would be a good time for us to hang, if that’s okay with you. I totally understand if you want some time alone,” Frank said.

“No, we can see each other today. I’m cool with that. I need to see you again anyway. Sometimes I just don’t trust myself being alone, you know?” Gerard replied. He knew he had to fight this sadness somehow, and spending time with Frank is exactly what he wanted to do.

“Oh, good. I wanted to ask you something anyway. You like Italian food?” Frank asked.

“I love Italian food. I am half Italian, after all,”

“Cool, because my parents gave me some money for us to go out to Olive Garden. You up for that?”

“Yeah, of course. I am kinda hungry anyway. Should I head to your house now?” Gerard said, instantly feeling a little thrilled. It had been a while since he ate out, let alone with someone he deeply cared about. He thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house, not only to get away from Donald, but to also to just not exclude himself from the outside world.

“Yeah, you can head over here now. We’re gonna have to take a bus there, if you’re okay with that. I would have my parents take us there, but now that I’m in a wheelchair, it’s kinda hard for them to drive me until they get one of those things that can put people in wheelchairs into vans, and my family certainly aren’t growing money trees in the yard,” Frank laughed.

“Ha, okay. I’ll get ready and head over there now,” Gerard said with a light laugh.

“Great, see you soon. Bye,”

“Bye,”

Gerard hung up, a small smile growing on his face. For the first time in days, he was smiling, and he had a really good reason to.

_ _ _  
When Gerard arrived at Frank’s house, Frank answered the door, as the usual, his body still bound to a wheelchair. It wasn’t long before they were ready, and soon enough, they both headed out, making their way to the bus stop nearby. They talked the whole way there, and when they got to the stop, they continued to do just that. As Gerard sat next to Frank, he suddenly began to feel off again. His mind felt fuzzy, and he could begin to hear the ringing in his ears again.

“You need to leave, Gerard. They’re out to get you,” said Haley, her voice echoing in Gerard’s mind. He suddenly realized that it’s now possible to come across a spy, now that he’s out in public. Gerard knew at that moment that he made a mistake, but he didn’t want to ditch Frank. Gerard decided to just neck it out for now, and hope for the best.

“Are you okay, Gerard?” Frank asked, looking concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Gerard replied.

“Alright. You just looked a little off,”

“No, I’m alright. I promise,”

“Okay, Gerard. The bus should come any minute now. The restaurant is near the stop, so it shouldn’t take us long to get there,” Frank said. At that moment, Gerard and Frank saw the bus drive down the road, parking at the stop. When the door opened, Gerard walked on the bus, telling the driver to ready the wheelchair lift for Frank. He did so, and outside, the lift opened up. Gerard watched as Frank got himself on it, and the bus began to bring him up. Once it was done, Gerard sat down next to Frank, and the bus began to take off. It was at this moment that Gerard started to feel worse, the voices in his head chattering to each other. Everything around Gerard felt louder than usual, such as people around talking to each other, the cars outside honking, and the voice for the bus telling it’s passengers the next stop. It was so unbearable that Gerard’s ears began to hurt, as well as his head. He also noticed some people on the bus looking at Gerard, which certainly didn’t make things any better.

“There could be spies on this bus. Watch out,” said one of the voices, the one being Pete. Gerard grimaced, becoming overwhelmed. He began to shake, looking back and forth at all the people staring at him. Maybe there is a spy on this bus, he thought to himself. He knew that if this is so, he had to act fast.

“Gerard?” Frank asked, his voice laced with concern. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine, I’m fine,” Gerard replied shakily, still looking around frantically.

“You really don’t look like it. It’s okay, Gerard. You can tell me anything,” Frank said, placing a hand on Gerard’s shoulder. As soon as Frank touched Gerard, he could slowly feel the voices in his head quieting down, as well as the ringing in his ears coming to an end. Gerard smiled a little, feeling comforted by Frank’s gentle touch.

“Well, I’m just...a little paranoid, that’s all,” he said, saying only half the truth. He didn’t want to tell Frank about potentially being spied on, due to the risk of Frank thinking he’s crazy, even though he knows that Frank is already pretty well aware of that.

“What’s bothering you?” Frank asked.

“Nothing. It’s just...my anxiety, that’s all. I’ll be fine,” Gerard stuttered. As he spoke, the bus came to a stop. Frank looked up to see if this was where him and Gerard are supposed to get off. He spotted the Olive Garden across the street, then turned to Gerard.

“This is our stop, Gee,” Frank said. Gerard nodded, getting up and telling the bus driver to let Frank out. He did so, and Gerard joined Frank outside as they began to make their way towards the restaurant.

“You’ll be okay, Gerard. You’re fine. Nothing’s gonna happen,” Frank said, trying to reassure Gerard. He began to fear that something bad is gonna happen with Gerard having an “episode”, and knew at that moment he had to prevent that from happening in any way he can.

“I know. I’ll be okay,” Gerard said, feeling like he wasn’t telling the truth. Someone could very well be watching him, and he wouldn’t know it.


	14. Chapter 13: Why Do You Come Here When You Know It Makes Things Hard For Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, this chapter does contain disturbing content that some readers may not be comfortable with. You'll find out what it is towards the end. Anyway, on with the chapter...

Frank and Gerard walked into the Olive Garden restaurant, waiting to be seated. It wasn’t long before a woman named Jennifer checked them in, grabbing two menus and walking them to their table towards the back of the joint. Frank locked his wheels on his chair when he got up to the table, while Gerard sat down. Gerard once again didn’t feel secure; he could hear the soft mutters of the voices in his head speaking nonsense, and the sounds around him, such as people around him talking and silverware scraping against plates of food, felt much louder than they actually were. The sounds pierced through his eardrums, making them hurt. As Frank read through his menu, Gerard looked around the place. He feared that someone could be spying on him, even though Frank earlier confirmed that no one was watching him, but Gerard was starting to think that that wasn’t true. He swore he could feel a lot of people’s eyes on him, many of them being older people that were clearly judgemental of those younger than them. Gerard could feel himself tense up, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to cause a scene in public, but he was just so afraid right now.

“Gerard? You okay?” Frank asked, looking up from his menu. Gerard swung his head to Frank, feeling like he was unable to get his words out.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he said shakily.

“You’re a terrible liar. Something’s clearly bothering you. Are you scared that someone’s watching you?” Frank sighed.

“N-no. I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me,” Gerard said, lying to himself and to Frank. He was almost positive that he was being watched, but he didn’t want to ruin his and Frank’s date. Gerard wanted to fit in with everyone else for once, and didn’t want to be a paranoid mess, but it was hard for him due to his fearfulness and unstable mindset. He was lucky that the medication was working, but he still hated how it made him feel. He constantly felt tired while being on them, and lacked the motivation to do a lot of things that he normally loved to do.

“Are you sure you’re telling me the truth, Gerard? I’m really worried for you. Why don’t you pick something to eat? I think that’ll make you feel better,” Frank said, returning to his menu. Gerard knew he had to neck it out for now until they leave, but if he caught someone watching him, he had to get out as fast as possible. Sighing, Gerard picked up his menu, browsing through the options as a waitress came up to their table, handing them glasses of water and a basket of breadsticks.

“Hi, my name is Julia, and I’ll be your waiter. Can I start you guys off with something to drink?” she asked.

“Water’s fine for me. How about you?” Frank turned to Gerard.

“Water for me too,” Gerard replied. He decided to try out the braised beef tortellini since it looked really good in the picture.

“Okay, do you guys know what to order yet?” Julia asked.

“Yes, I’ll have the spaghetti and meatballs. What about you?” Frank asked Gerard.

“I’ll have the braised beef tortellini,” Gerard replied.

“Great, will that be all?”” Julia asked as she wrote down Frank and Gerard’s orders.

“Yes, thank you,” Frank said as he handed back the menus. Julia grabbed them, then walked away, leaving Gerard alone with Frank as he continued to frantically look around him. He tried to keep himself composed around someone he cares for a lot, but doing that was a real challenge for him. What if someone really was here watching him, trying to steal his thoughts? He could only hope that he was mistaken.

“Gerard, are you sure you’re okay? You seem really on edge,” Frank said worriedly. “Don’t worry, after we eat, we’ll get going,”

“O-okay…,” Gerard stuttered. They together sat in silence as they waited for their food, having small talk and eating the breadsticks in the basket. About fifteen minutes later, Julia returned with their food, placing the dishes in front of them.

“Thank you,” Frank said as he picked up his fork and knife.

“You’re welcome. Is there anything I can get for you guys?” Julia asked.

“No, that’ll be all,” Frank said. Julia then excused herself, walking away. Frank immediately began to eat, cutting up his food while Gerard stared down at his food. After somewhat regaining himself, he picked up his fork, starting to eat. He had to admit that the tortellini was really good. Silently, they ate until all their food was gone.

“How was the tortellini?” Frank asked Gerard.

“It was really good. I liked it,” Gerard said. He was starting to feel a little less paranoid, but he knew he still had to keep his guard up, knowing that someone could always be watching him, trying to take his thoughts to broadcast for the entire world to see. Julia soon returned with the bill, and Frank paid it, also giving a few dollars as a tip for the waiter. After the bill was paid for, Gerard and Frank exited the restaurant, heading back to the bus stop. When they got there, the feelings Gerard had beforehand came back tenfold. He could hear the voices in his head talking to him again as his ears began to ring. He just wanted the bus to arrive so that he could go home and be away from everyone, except for Frank. He could spend all the time in the world with Frank if he was able to.

The bus soon arrived, and after Frank was hauled into it, Gerard sat down next to him, and the bus began to take off. At this point, things for Gerard were starting to get worse. He could’ve sworn that he was being watched, seeing so many people staring at him. He had to find some way to mask his feelings of discontent. Suddenly, Gerard began to smile, lightly chuckling. He didn’t know what made him laugh, but it happened anyway. He just couldn’t hold it back for the life of him. The laughs soon escalated to the point where Gerard’s sides began to hurt. He was gasping for air, his face turning red from his lack of air to breathe in. Frank looked over at him, concern laced in his eyes.

“Gerard, what’s so funny?” he asked, just to be responded with nothing. Gerard kept laughing until tears ran from his eyes, not wiping them away. If only he knew what was making him laugh so hard. He figured that he should keep laughing in an attempt to block out the voices he hears in his head all the time. Frank sighed, seeing just about everyone on the house stare at him and Gerard. Thankfully, the stop near their houses wasn’t far, so soon enough they will be back home.

Soon enough, Gerard stopped laughing, regaining his breath. He still didn’t know why he laughed, and he wanted to know why this suddenly happened out of nowhere. He looked over at Frank, a look of fear in his eyes.

“Gerard...why were you laughing?” Frank asked.

“I...I don’t know,” Gerard replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“Have you been taking your medication?” Frank furrowed his brows.

“Yeah, I have been. I’ll be okay,” Gerard replied. They felt the bus come to a stop, then heard the doors opening. Gerard and Frank looked outside, seeing that they’re now close to home. They both got off and began to make their way back to their houses. They walked in silence, and they soon arrived to their homes, both of them right across the street from each other. Frank wheeled himself up the ramp of his house, with Gerard following behind him. Frank looked over at Gerard, smiling sadly.

“I know today’s been rough. You should take it easy,” he said.

“I will. I’ll probably just take a nap,” Gerard replied.

“You go do that,” Frank smiled. Without even attempting to fight the urge, Gerard bent down and kissed Frank on the lips, smiling when their lips departed from each other.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Gerard said.

“Okay. Bye, Gee,” Frank said before he opened up the door, letting himself inside, then closing it. Gerard then turned away, making his way to his house across the street. He went inside, those uneasy feelings returning, though it wasn’t the voices that were bothering him. It was something else, but he just couldn’t point it out. He went upstairs to his room, where he found Lindsey for some reason. She held a pill bottle in her hand, the pills inside rattling. She also held a cup of water in her other hand.

“I just got off the phone with Dr. Stump. He now wants you to take your pills three times a day, and you gotta take them now,” she said.

“Oh, okay,” Gerard said as Lindsey handed Gerard the two small white pills, as well as the water. He put the pills in his mouth, then downed them with water. Lindsey then leaned in, kissing Gerard as she felt him up. Gerard accepted this, despite feeling unfaithful towards the woman that’s pregnant with his baby. He had fallen so hard for Frank, more than he did with Lindsey, and he felt trapped with what he should do. He didn’t want to break Frank’s heart, but he also didn’t want to betray Lindsey, but it was too late for him.

Gerard suddenly felt unbalanced on his feet, his vision blurring as he collapsed on his bed nearby. That’s when Lindsey sat down next to him, stripping Gerard of his shirt, then his shoes, and finally his pants and underwear, with Gerard being too weak to do anything, especially since he could barely see.

“What are you doing?” Gerard asked Lindsey.

“Just relax, Gerard,” Lindsey replied, lying Gerard down on his back, his head on top of the pillow of his bed. Gerard could feel the sound of clothes being taken off above him, followed by someone’s body climbing on top of his. At this moment, he began to realize what was ensuing, and he wanted no part of it. Even though Gerard still loved his sister, he started to not have intimate feelings for her ever since he met Frank, and he wanted no part of what was about to take place. He knew at this moment that he was being taken advantage of by force.

“Get off of me!” Gerard yelled, fighting under Lindsey’s body. That’s when Lindsey held down Gerard’s arms, inserting herself inside of Gerard as he screamed and cried out to God, but feared that he wasn’t there. He couldn’t be if he allowed this to happen to someone that couldn’t fight for himself. As he was being fucked forcefully, he screamed and cried, wishing that he could end it all and be away from someone that betrayed him.


	15. Chapter 14: Even Lights Can Fade Away

(Two days later)

Gerard had been refusing to take his medication after what Lindsey did to him that horrid day. He was fully aware of what she did to him, and he knew it was a result of having to take his pills, making him go back to his old self. He spent the last two days avoiding Lindsey, trying to not make eye contact with her. He also rarely came out of his room, and whenever he did, it was to only use the bathroom and get his food when it was meal time; he ate in his room instead of in the dining room with Lindsey and Donald. Gerard spent most of his time drawing and painting, though sometimes his condition prevented him from doing eithehr of these things. When he wasn’t able to paint or draw, he would constantly pace around the room, speaking the words of a madman, and oftentimes talking to Lola when they were around. He also went back to urinating all over himself and on the floor, and went days without a bath, his hair becoming a tangled mess. One time, Gerard ended up hurting himself pretty bad when he dug his long and jagged nails into his skin, fearing that there were bugs crawling under his skin. He had found ticks under the flesh of his arms, and as a result, his arms were scattered with scars and calluses. He even went as far as disposing of his pills, flushing them down the toilet. He feared Lindsey immensely now, knowing what she did to him. He knew that the only way he can be away from her is if he hides himself, but he didn’t know where he could do that. He was afraid of being out in the public eye, fearing that someone will spy on him and steal his thoughts, leaving Gerard with almost no options. He had to think of a solution quickly before anything else happens to him.

After having a smoke, Gerard headed back inside, running straight to his room. He closed the door, then sat down on his bed. His walls became even more scattered with scribbled notes on pieces of paper, as well as scratches, and even punched in holes and blood. Gerard scanned his surroundings, then itched at his scars, drawing blood.

“My arms are bleeding, they’re bleeding blood. It’s gonna turn black and close up the door,” Gerard rambled. He looked straight ahead at his desk to find a knife that he stole from the kitchen, and previously used it to dig out the ticks in his arms. He picked it up, tracing his thumb on the dulled blade. He decided to use it when the time was right, putting it under his pillow. He suddenly heard his door open, and in stepped Lindsey, an angered look on her face as she held Gerard’s empty pill bottle.

“Gerard, what the fuck? Where are your pills?” she nearly screamed. Gerard felt his heart skip a beat. He didn’t know what to tell her what he really did with them. There was almost no way he could wiggle his way out of this one.

“I-I...I flushed them down the toilet,” Gerard admitted shamefully. “The pills took me too far. They would make me dizzy and see a fake God, and then they would filter out what I can’t see, and this room is dark again. It’s going in stone,”

“Gerard, you cannot flush your pills down the toilet!” Lindsey yelled, clearly annoyed. “It’s so evident that you’re going back to your old self. You need help. I might have no choice but to send you back to the state hospital,”

“No! I’m not going back there! There were people there that would stick something in my head and make me cry, because the walls kept hitting me, and I felt the light crawl up my skin!” Gerard exclaimed. He refused to go back to the state hospital due to the way he was treated by the other patients, as well as the staff. He was overmedicated there, and as a result, he was a total zombie. It was so bad that he couldn’t even eat. He constantly hallucinated the walls closing in on him, fearing that he would be crushed. He also received shock therapy there, which definitely made things no better for him in terms of being in a vegetative state. There have been many times where some of the other patients would assault him due to an altercation that ensued after Gerard would say the wrong things at the wrong time, and he also experienced nurses giving him more medication than prescribed on many occasions. He knew that if he were put back in a state hospital that his life would be over. He would much rather be dead, he once told himself.

“What am I supposed to do then? Keep you here? You’re refusing treatment, and you’re only getting worse. I don’t think I really have a choice,” Lindsey argued.

“You are not putting me back there, you fucking cunt! You just don’t get it! You don’t get the fact that there are people there that want to tie me down and prevent me from dancing around, because when they spoke with the mayor, he said that my brain was too big for the table!” Gerard refuted, making absolutely no sense to Lindsey. She sighed, walking up to him.

“You should lie down, Gerard. You seem to be upset,” she said, lifting up Gerard’s legs and trying to help him into his bed, just to have him resist.

“No! You fucking raped me! You violated me! You took all the bunny tooth out of me! You fucking judged Obama, you judged racism, and you put down your sword!” Gerard screamed, standing up and shoving Lindsey to the ground, making her cry out in pain as she held her impregnated stomach. Gerard gasped with horror, thinking that he just killed his and Lindsey’s child. He now felt so much guilt, feeling himself beginning to cry. He was crying harder than when Lindsey raped him, and at that moment, he knew he had to get out. He rushed out of his room, running down the stairs and out of the house. Thankfully, he didn’t see Lindsey following him, but he could never not live with the guilt of what he just did to her. His whole life was in shambles, and he so badly wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. But he knew what to do, and that was to see Frank, the only person in the world he could trust besides Lola. Gerard ran to Frank’s house, ringing the doorbell numerous times and hoping that Frank will answer. The door opened, revealing Frank’s mom instead. She immediately saw the utter discontent on Gerard’s face, and she flashed him a concerned look.

“Hi, Gerard. Are you okay?” she asked. Gerard ignored her, running past her and to Frank’s room, where he found him watching an episode of American Dad. Frank looked up, nearly gasping when he saw Gerard.

“Oh my god, Gerard! Are you okay?” Frank asked.

“No! No, I’m not! I had to get out! People wanna hurt me!” Gerard replied as he continued to cry, not wanting to go into detail about all that happened just yet. He didn’t want anyone besides Frank knowing all that happened to him, especially what Lindsey did to him days ago.

“What are you talking about? No one wants to hurt you, Gerard. Just tell me what happened,” Frank said, wheeling himself to the bedroom door, then closing it. Gerard sat down on Frank’s bed, crying his eyes out as he held his face into his hands, wailing loudly. Frank sighed, feeling his heart sink for someone he loved dearly. He wished he could hold him and tell him that everything is gonna be okay, and kiss all his problems away.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Gerard. I swear I won’t tell anyone,” Frank pleaded, wheeling himself beside Gerard. Gerard figured that he should go into detail about why he’s acting the way he is, especially if Frank isn’t gonna tell anyone else about anything. Gerard has come to trust Frank, and was really the only person he could open up to. It was never even like that with the few other friends Gerard has, such as Ray or Bob for instance. Gerard had to tell someone anyway to get it all off his chest.

“Frank...Lindsey, she...oh, god, she...she drugged me, and...she...she fucked me,” Gerard said shakily, his voice choked back by tears. When Frank heard what Gerard told him, his eyes widened in horror as his jaw dropped to the ground.

“Gerard, you’re kidding, right?” he asked, his voice trembling with rage and sadness.

“No, I’m not. I got rid of the pills, because they were hurting me, and because she used them to rape me. The pills gave everything away, and now I feel like they were gonna put me in a box, so I had to get out and run away from the witch,” Gerard said as he cried. Frank knew that despite Gerard’s mental state, he wouldn’t make something up that was so horrible. He was crying nonstop, so Frank knew that what Gerard told him was sadly the truth. Frank shook his head, holding Gerard tightly, who cried on his shoulder as he held him close, his whole body shaking. Frank took his limp hand, running it through Gerard’s messy hair.

“I’m so, so sorry, Gerard. You didn’t deserve that. I knew something was wrong with that bitch you call your sister. What she did to you was evil,” Frank said, his voice shaking from the tears that fell from his eyes. “You’re a good person, and I can’t imagine anybody doing something so awful to you,”

“I am a bad person, though. I pushed Lindsey away. I...I killed our baby,” Gerard stuttered, unable to hold back a single tear. Frank put his hand over his agape mouth, his eyes still wide with shock as he felt his stomach flip.

“Are you serious? I’m really sorry,” Frank said, only saying half the truth. He felt bad that Gerard lost his baby, but having it was a bad idea, knowing his mental state, especially since it’s his sister that’s been carrying it. He knew that Gerard was not capable of taking care of a child, which was very evident based on how Gerard was.

“I’m a murderer! I wanted to have a child! I wanted one because it would give me a lot of bunny tooth!” Gerard sniffled.

“Gerard...maybe it’s best if you don’t have one. You have a lot to work on, and now is most likely not the good time to have one. Don’t get me wrong, though. I do feel bad, but you need to focus on yourself,” Frank explained.

“I don’t care! I wanted a child! I know I can take care of one! Now I’ll be childless! I don’t know what I’m gonna do!” Gerard cried.

“Gerard, what do you mean you don’t know what you’re gonna do? Are you afraid you’ll be arrested for killing the baby?” Frank asked.

“Yes! I don’t wanna go to jail! I didn’t mean to do it!” Gerard whined, running a hand through his greasy and tangled hair.

“I’ll tell you what, how about you stay with me until the dust settles? I don’t think my parents would have an issue with it, but I won’t tell them anything. I’ll come up with something,” Frank said, putting a supporting hand on Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard looked over at him, eyes wide.

“Really? You’d do that for me?” he asked.

“Yes, I would. I really care about you, and I would hate to see you be arrested,” Frank replied. “You can sleep on the couch, if that’s okay. I don’t want my parents getting suspicious seeing us sleep together, ”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t mind,” Gerard said. Frank smiled, wrapping his arms around him.

“You’re gonna be okay. I will keep you safe, Gerard. I promise,” he said warmly. Gerard smiled back at him, accepting Frank’s embrace. He suddenly had the urge to do something, something he’s done before, and he couldn’t hold it back, and he refused to do so. He leaned in, giving Frank a kiss on the lips. Frank giggled, kissing Gerard back, his hand on his hot cheek.

“So, Gerard...what do you wanna do?” Frank asked.

“Maybe we can watch a movie?” Gerard asked.

“That’s fine. How about World’s Greatest Dad? That’s my favorite Robin Williams movie,”

“I’ve never heard of it, but sure. I like him,”

“Cool. It’s a great movie. You’ll see why pretty soon,” Frank said as he wheeled himself to his stack of movies, picking up the case of the aforementioned movie, then putting it in the player. When the movie started up, Frank wheeled himself back near Gerard, and together, they leaned on each other’s shoulders, the both of them not wanting to be separated from each other.


End file.
